Pvt. Pinko's Parade Of Parody


The Truth Behind Brand Slogans 3

title truth3

 

Do you like trilogies? Of course you love trilogies! Who doesn’t love trilogies?! And if there’s one sure thing in this world, it’s death, taxes…and trilogies. So we’ve resurrected The Monster due to popular demand (or, for lack of popular demand, due to our incredible creative laziness & love of the concept of milking something till it bleeds dust) and set it loose on Mankind!!! Yet again!!!

In this new, fresh, bold episode of ghoulish carnage, you’ll watch helplessly as ad executives flee in absolute horror! You’ll observe the brutal bloodshed of countless of completely false marketing mottos!!! You’re witness the asses of ad agencies the world over kicked hard & spread far across this parody landscape like so much generic peanut butter!!!!!

Before you know it, you too be on your feet & shaking your fist in unison at the fleeing horde of marketing ninnies & vent with all your bitter consumer rage: Behold this fiendish creature of reason that will vex you & shrivel your meek genitals!!!!!! Scream your lying eyeballs out in horror, you lying weasels!!!!!!!!! Pummel yourself with revision faxes from brainless clients to stop the cruel show of logic!!!!!!!!!!!! Bleed from your ears & claw off your noses from the beautiful sight & smell of the perfect ZING!

Trust us!

Now, you ask, will THIS be THE final chapter?!!

Well, there’s always quadrilogies.

Once again, enjoy the ongoing saga of slogan slaughter!

——-

The Culprit: IBM
The Slogan: “I Think, Therefore IBM”
The Truth: I think, therefore I poop

——-

The Culprit: Wyse
The Slogan: “Global Leader in Thin Computing”
The Truth: Thanks to digital bulimia

——-

The Culprit: Smarties (Chocolate Candy)
The Slogan: “WotalotIgot!”
The Truth: Wotastupidlameslogan!

——-

The Culprit: Ocean Spray (Fruit Juices & Fruit Drinks)
The Slogan: “There’s Definitely Something In It”
The Truth: The FDA allows that canned citrus fruit juices can contain up to an average of 5 or more fly eggs and less than one maggot per 250 ml. (8oz.) So there’s DEFINITELY something in it.

——-

The Culprit: Peter Paul Mounds/ Almond Joy (Chocolate Candy)
The Slogan: “Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut, Sometimes You Don’t”
The Truth: The candy bars of choice for the discerning consumer with bipolar disorder

——-

The Culprit: Travis Aftershave
The Slogan: “For Those Who Like The Trade Rough”
The Truth: Or the rough trade

——-

The Culprit: Twix
The Slogan: “Twix. It’s All In The Mix”
The Truth: Fun fact-the FDA allows up to an average of 9 mg. of rodent excreta per kilogram (36 oz.)

——-

The Culprit: T-Mobile
The Slogan: “Get More”
The Truth: Dropped calls than the competition

——-

The Culprit: FOX News
The Slogan: “Fair And Balanced”
The Truth: If you happen to be stupid & gullible

——-

The Culprit: Bounty (Paper Towels)
The Slogan: “The Quick Picker Upper”
The Truth: Hey, good looking, what’s happening? The name’s Bounty. Wanna get out of here, grab & spill a coffee? Girl like you doesn’t need to waste time with generic brands. Here’s my number. Gotta fly. Call me!

——-

The Culprit: The Economist (Macroeconomics Magazine)
The Slogan: “Free Enterprise With Every Issue”
The Truth: There are many, many jilted Star Trek fans with subscriptions

——-

The Culprit: Fiat Strada
The Slogan: “Hand-Built By Robots”
The Truth: (1) Anything built by automation is, by definition, not hand-built, (2) Claw-built didn’t fare too well in focus groups & (3) Robots don’t try to form unions

——-

The Culprit: Hamlet Cigars
The Slogan: “Happiness Is A Cigar Called Hamlet”
The Truth: To smoke or not to smoke, that is the question. Choke on that, Shakespeare.

——-

The Culprit: Microsoft Xbox 360
The Slogan: “Play More”
The Truth: Hey, didn’t you hear your mother? It’s time for dinner. Now put that down or you’re gonna find yourself in a world of hurt. Don’t test me, kid.

——-

The Culprit: Hyundai Motors
The Slogan: “Drive Your Way”
The Truth: Because our cars don’t come with friggin’ chauffeurs

——-

The Culprit: Calvin Klein Jeans
The Slogan: “Nothing Comes Between Me And My Calvins”
The Truth: With jeans that tight, no wonder you can’t cum!

——-

The Culprit: Holiday Inn
The Slogan: “Look Again”
The Truth: And think twice

——-

The Culprit: Hilton Corporation (Hotels)
The Slogan: “Travel Should Take You Places”
The Truth: Duh. Was that slogan written by Paris?

——-

The Culprit: Google
The Slogan: “Don’t Be Evil”
The Truth: And everyday is Opposite Day

——-

The Culprit: Smirnoff Vodka
The Slogan: “Accountancy Was My Life Until I Discovered Smirnoff”
The Truth: And *hic* lemme tell ya, buddy, I saw this *hic* perfect storm of shit hit the financial fan *hic*, so i started drinking more *hic* and i never looked back. Hey, waiter, can you *hic* make this a Smirnoff Twist?

——-

The Culprit: Kool-Aid
The Slogan: “Moms Depend On Kool-Aid Like Kids Depend On Moms”
The Truth: And Fox News depends on lies like Republicans depend on Fox News

——-

The Culprit: Club Med
The Slogan: “The Antidote For Civilization”
The Truth: So…we’re talking about an island full of cannibals?

——-

The Culprit: Remington Shavers
The Slogan: “I Liked It So Much I Bought The Company”
The Truth: No, he didn’t. He’s an actor!

——-

The Culprit: MasterCard
The Slogan: “There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s MasterCard.”
The Truth: In hindsight, SlaveCard would have been more appropriate

——-

The Culprit: UPS
The Slogan: “See What Brown Can Do For You”
The Truth: You know what else is brown? That’s your colour of service, pal

——-

The Culprit: Airbus
The Slogan: “Setting The Standards”
The Truth: Now that our planes are falling out of the sky, everyone is rethinking our fly-by-wire “standards”!

——-

The Culprit: Amway
The Slogan: “Now You Know”
The Truth: Sociologist David G. Bromley calls us a quasi-religious corporation having sectarian characteristics. What does he know! Fact: we’re not a pyramid scheme, we’re just a ripoff. You’ll have a harder time selling your overpriced wares than a hooker with a sandwich board that says “hi, i have the clap”

——-

The Culprit: Braniff Airlines
The Slogan: “When You Got It, Flaunt It”
The Truth: The airline with boobs

——-

The Culprit: TGI Friday’s
The Slogan: “Come for the food. Stay for the Fun.”
The Truth: Leave for the indigestion.

——-

The Culprit: Saks 5th Avenue
The Slogan: “Want It!”
The Truth: Because, at these ridiculous prices, you certainly don’t need it

——-

The Culprit: Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines
The Slogan: “Get Out There”
The Truth: And enjoy our complimentary stomach flu

——-

The Culprit: Merrill Lynch (Financial Investments)
The Slogan: “We See Your Financial Life in Total…”
The Truth: …Ruin

——-

The Culprit: Nissan Motors
The Slogan: “SHIFT_”
The Truth: SHIT_F

——-

The Culprit: Qwest
The Slogan: “Spirit of Service”
The Truth: Not actual service, just the spirit of it

——-

The Culprit: Lockheed Martin
The Slogan: “We Never Forget Who We’re Working For”
The Truth: Israel!

——-

The Culprit: Porsche
The Slogan: “There Is No Substitute”
The Truth: When it comes to owning a car that says “yeah, i do coke”

——-

The Culprit: Disneyland
The Slogan: “The Happiest Place On Earth”
The Truth: Except for the exploited staff

——-

The Culprit: Hebrew National (Prepared Meats)
The Slogan: “We Answer To A Higher Authority”
The Truth: Because it certainly isn’t the USDA!

——-

The Culprit: Phillip Morris
The Slogan: “Doctors Recommend Phillip Morris”
The Truth: Will kill you if you keep smoking them Marlboros

——-

The Culprit: L&M Cigarettes
The Slogan: “Just What the Doctor Ordered”
The Truth: You to stay away from

——-

The Culprit: Chevrolet
The Slogan: “…Like A Rock”
The Truth: Dumb…

——-

The Culprit: GMC Truck
The Slogan: “We Are Professional Grade…”
The Truth: …Morons

——-

The Culprit: Ikea
The Slogan: “Screw Yourself”
The Truth: Feeling screwed yet?

——-

The Culprit: Captain Morgan’s Rum
The Slogan: “Got A Little Captain In You?”
The Truth: Yarrr! What do ye mean by “is it in yet?”

——-

The Culprit: Continental Airlines
The Slogan: “We Really Move Our Tail For You”
The Truth: Oops, there goes the vertical stabilizer!

——-

The Culprit: H. J. Heinz Company
The Slogan: “57 Varieties”
The Truth: Of overpriced colourful ooze

——-

The Culprit: Trustee Savings Bank
The Slogan: “The bank that likes to say Yes”
The Truth: To unethical derivative bundles & sub-prime schemes

——-

The Culprit: SBC-Yahoo! DSL
The Slogan: “It’s The Internet That Logs Onto You”
The Truth: What we really mean is we load your pc up with tons of spyware

——-

The Culprit: The State of Maryland
The Slogan: “Seize the Day Off”
The Truth: Motto by Ferris Bueller

——-

The Culprit: The State of Oklahoma
The Slogan: “Oklahoma is OK”
The Truth: Honestly, it’s not anything special. The tornadoes took everything away.

——-

The Culprit: The State of Kansas
The Slogan: “Kansas, as big as you think”
The Truth: Kansas, as dumb as you think

——-

The Culprit: The State of Alabama
The Slogan: “Where America finds its voice”
The Truth: If that voice is that of a racist, hairlipped, white trash, proudly ignorant, truck drivin’, wife beater wearin’, gun totin’, librul hatin’ sumbitch

——-

The Culprit: The State of Massachusetts
The Slogan: “The Spirit of America”
The Truth: Or, according to the rest of America: Taxachusetts, Catholic Massachusetts, Mess O’ Cheezits, Most Liberal Voting Record ‘Chusetts

——-

The Culprit: The State of Missouri
The Slogan: “Show Me State”
The Truth: Or, more to the point, the Blow Me State

——-

The Culprit: The State of Texas
The Slogan: “It’s Like a Whole Other Country”
The Truth: Long live Texan Secession movement

——-

The Culprit: Club Med
The Slogan: “The Antidote For Civilization”
The Truth: So…a cannibalistic island?

——-

The Culprit: Pepsodent Toothpaste
The Slogan: “You’ll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent”
The Truth: If you’re brushing while you’re going to the toilet, then you know exactly where the yellow is going

——-

The Culprit: Amazon.com
The Slogan: “…and You’re Done”
The Truth: What’s that? Couldn’t have said it better? Wait, we didn’t mean it THAT way!! Come back!

——-

The Culprit: Cingular Wireless
The Slogan: “Raising the Bar”
The Truth: On customer gouging

——-

The Culprit: Brylcreem (Hair Products)
The Slogan: “A Little Dab’ll Do Ya”
The Truth: Stolen from a pick up line used by actor Dabney Coleman

——-

The Culprit: Weight Watchers
The Slogan: “Watch Yourself Change”
The Truth: From a fat girl with low self-esteem to a fat self-righteous bitch

——-

The Culprit: United States Postal Service
The Slogan: “Fly Like An Eagle”
The Truth: Land like a bagful of dead penguins

——-

The Culprit: Wendy’s
The Slogan: “Do What Tastes Right”
The Truth: Order from somewhere else

——-

The Culprit: Campbell’s Soup
The Slogan: “M’m! M’m! Good!”
The Truth: Ad exec was inspired by a porn flick

——-

The Culprit: Rohde & Schwarz
The Slogan: “Pushing Limits”
The Truth: Of our customers’ patience

——-

The Culprit: Courage Tavern Ale
The Slogan: “It’s What Your Right Arm’s For”
The Truth: Not the beer of choice for southpaws

——-

The Culprit: Acorn Computers
The Slogan: ”No Slogan”
The Truth: Because you can’t polish a turd

——-

The Culprit: Radio Times
The Slogan: ”If It’s On, It’s In
The Truth: Ad exec is a lesbian who enjoys strap ons

——-

The Culprit: CVS/Pharmacy
The Slogan: “Expect Something Extra”
The Truth: It’s called a dispensing fee

——-

The Culprit: ConAgra Foods, Inc.
The Slogan: “The Right Kind of Food Company”
The Truth: Yes, the right-wing kind

——-

The Culprit: Global Jet Airlines
The Slogan: “Light is Faster, but We are Safer”
The Truth: Now that’s a heavy slogan

——-

The Culprit: Capital One
The Slogan: “What’s in your wallet?”
The Truth: Give us all you’ve got. Come on. Hurry it up, lady. Don’t make us shoot you. What? $10? That’s all? Okay, we’ll take those fake pearls. Hand ’em over.

——-

The Culprit: H&R Block
The Slogan: “You Got People”
The Truth: We got people, too. We’ll have our people call your people. Maybe your people can come down, talk to our people. You got tax questions? We got tax answers. We got people skills for your people. Any people. Old people. Young people. People with money. People without money. We even have People magazine in the waiting room. We’re a people company. Yes indeedy.

——-

The Culprit: Crunchie
The Slogan: “Thank Crunchie, it’s Friday”
The Truth: Have you heard the good news? Crunchie watches over us. He gave his only fun size offspring to cleanse us from our calorie-laden sins & blesses us with a path towards taste salvation. Crunchie bless you.

——-

The Culprit: Pier 1 Imports
The Slogan: “Life More Interesting”
The Truth: Than our products

——-

The Culprit: USO
The Slogan: “Until Every One Comes Home…”
The Truth: Likely in a body bag

——-

The Culprit: TD Bank North
The Slogan: The Home of Hassle-Free Lending”
The Truth: Apparently, Mr. Hassle-Free has moved & left no forwarding address

——-

The Culprit: Wendy’s
The Slogan: “It’s Waaay Better Than Fast Food”
The Truth: And, yet, we’re still fast food. What a mindfuck, huh?

——-

The Culprit: Pear’s Soap
The Slogan: “Preparing To Be A Beautiful Lady”
The Truth: The preferred beauty soap for pre-op gender reassignment candidates

——-

The Culprit: Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum
The Slogan: “Double your pleasure. Double your fun.”
The Truth: The gum of choice for threesomes

——-

The Culprit: Charles Schwab
The Slogan: “Helping Investors Help Themselves”
The Truth: “Helping executives help themselves to investor money

——-

The Culprit: Ford Motor Co.
The Slogan: “Quality Is Job One”
The Truth: Job Two is to never, ever talk about Job One

——-

The Culprit: Thomas Cook
The Slogan: “Don’t Just Book it, Thomas Cook It”
The Truth: Not the travel agency of choice for ready-to-eat meal preferring, homophobic confirmed bachelors

——-

The Culprit: Pepsi
The Slogan: “Be Happy”
The Truth: Or we’ll punch this puppy. Got it?


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