Pvt. Pinko's Parade Of Parody


Deleted Scenes From The Bible

 title bible2

 

Enjoy this classic parody of excised material from the one & only Good Book…found once again in a remote Dead Sea cave, meticulously dusted off & given a brand spanking new translation from the original aramaic text!

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• Scene where Jesus hits His own thumb with a hammer & screams out His name

• Scene where David tells Abiathar the priest to bring him the iPod

• Caine & Abel’s very awkward but legitimate questions about their conception requires Adam & Eve to skirt whole incest thing

• King Saul’s unsuccessful franchise of House of Saul blues bars

• The Philistines capture the LArk, the decoy Ark of the Convenant, while the original is moved & hidden away to its final resting place

• David defeats Goliath by getting him stoned with some good chronic

• Early draft of Bible featured Gospel of Jesus consisting entirely of funny haikus

• Tower of Babel actually a typo. It was originally the Towel of Babel. The town pool had only one towel to rent off, which was shared by a thousand people & caused people to curse in many different languages. For it was very dirty. Furthermore, Goliath was felled by David after he stoned him then rat tailed him real good with the Towel of Babel

• Scene where Jesus tries to pick up Mary Magdalene by saying “you know, i’m the son of God… kind of a big deal… i can put in a good word for you”

• Scene where Gabriel comes back the next day after first appearing to Jesus & asking if anyone found a contact lens

• Scene where the three wise men make it back from whence they came, arguing about which one of them was the wisest

• Entire chapters where the first Chosen People were the Egyptians, who then said to God “you know what, why don’t you pick the Jews? We had a good run.”

• Scenes where God fails to get Moses attention at Mount Sinai before settling on a burning bush: the vibrating rock, the levitating tree stump, the glowing parakeet, the singing snake & the backwards walking goat.

• Scene in Genesis describing “the First Lie” where Adam fibs to Eve when asked “it’s late, where in the name of God have you been?”

• Scene where Jesus & the 12 apostles find little consensus in naming their crew:
– Grandmaster God Made Flesh & The Furious 12
– The All Notorious Ninjas of Hope
– The Sunny Rainbow Happy Time Love Gang
– The Godmen
– Jesus & Friends
– Walks On Ocean’s 12
– The Holy Baker’s Dozen
– Jay-Zeus & The Funky Jews
– The Bad Mofos of Jesus
– Messiah! The Tour
– No Guns & All Roses
– The King of Kings & His Squires
– 12 Men & God’s Baby
– The Holy Boyz
– The Groovy 13
– The People’s Front of Judea
– The Judean People’s Front

• Scene where Pontius Pilates thinks up a new form of exercise that would appeal to women

• Scene where Jesus & Judas dress up as a horse for a costume party, and Jesus ends up as the “ass end”…later discovering that Judas has bad gas

• Scene where Jesus & the apostles all get really drunk & start pranking the Roman guards of the Judean council’s garrison

• Scene where Satan accidently sits besides Jesus, both not recognizing one another until one of them turns to the other to ask for the time

• Scene where the demon that says his name is “Legion” actually says “hey, pull my finger!”

• Scene where he tells the apostles that, one day, gospels shall bear witness to His philosophy & life’s work & He would like it to be in the form of a “pop up” book

• Scene where Jesus takes up surfing

• Scene where Jesus walks into a gay club and says to one of his apostles after a few hours of dancing “man, i love these people – hey, remind me to put in something good about these guys in the Gospels”

• Scene where Jesus realizes He was wrong making money grifting tourists with a game of 3 Shekel Monty

• Scene where Jesus is visited by Jehovah’s Witnesses who don’t get the polite hint that He isn’t interested

• Jesus attends the Prophets Convention in Damascus

• The 13th apostle, Tony

• Early draft where Leviticus consisted entirely of the line “Don’t do anything fun whatsoever”

• Book of Songs includes early attempts at rap rhymes with ill flow

• Jesus’ first elementary school play, where He performs as Himself, in a manger

• Jesus attends the Last Breakfast

• Alternate storyline where Judas opens up a Quiznos with the money he made betraying Jesus

• Jesus’ Brother Bob, who lived under his big brother’s shadow and unsuccessfully pursued a trade in plumbing, sadly before the advent of plumbing

• Jesus’ Uncle Joey, who taught the little Messiah as a kid how to make farting noises with his armpit

• Adam, Eve & Adam’s Brother Billy, who stayed a year on their couch made of leaves & wouldn’t…you know… leave. Eventually he was kicked out & he went over to stay at his friend’s commune in Canaan, becoming the drummer in a metal band.

• The scene where John the Revelator writes the churches about American Idol & the scourge of “reality tv”

• Jesus’ & Mary Magdalene’s first date at a Judean fair, where Jesus wins her a stuffed camel after a game of Whack-A-Mole-On-The-Leper

• Scene where Jesus freaks out believing he left his wallet in Jerusalem, forcing the apostles to go back with Him, and halfway realizing that He never carries any money anyway, so why would He have a wallet?!

• Noah’s flooded basement & his frustrated calls to his insurance company

• Samson gets his head shaved in a drunken night out with his frat buddies & later fools everyone by wearing a wig for 2 years

• Jesus joins the Roman Army during a peak in popularity, but after his brief tour, makes a huge comeback. Although many preferred his pre-comeback days

• Jesus’ college days, includin his frat initiation hazing

• Mary & Joseph try awkwardly to explain the birds & the bees to a young Jesus, eventually just telling Him that He was brought by a stork

• Jesus bidding his time on the cross by tormenting the Roman soldiers with off key show tunes

• Also during His stint on the cross in Golgotha, His spirited games of 20 questions with the two thieves

• Jesus’ childhood, where he overcame rickets by wearing leg braces, from which he was later freed when running from bullies while a young Mary Magdelene shouted “run, Jesus, run!”

• Jesus’ unfortunate bout of agoraphobia

• Jesus decides to get some ink on Him, beginning His very brief & regrettable “badass” period

• Moses’s heatstroke-induced vision of a “GPS system”

• Lazarus bakes with bad yeast so the bread does not rise

• Judas is betrayed by his girlfriend when she turns him in for embezzlement. Producers felt this ironic subplot was unnecessary

• Jesus tries stand up but bombs. To be fair, it WAS a tough crowd

• Simon’s unfortunate foray into hairdressing

• For a brief time, the Dead Sea was named the Much Alive Sea, but tourism fell drastically!

(Disclaimer: This entire line of jokes is made with respect to practitioners, affection for the source material & serves only to highlight the comedic possibilities inherent in all Biblical mythology – and if you don’t think God has a sense of humour, you apparently have never heard of the platypus! You may ask “Gord, why do you enjoy religious humour so much?” and I would answer “because nothing as serious has ever been as funny”)

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All text (c) Copyright 2009 Private Pinko/G. Brogan

1 Comment so far
Leave a comment

That was absolutely great, and the disclaimer was a nice and proper touch.

Comment by Bryon Popplewell




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