Pvt. Pinko's Parade Of Parody


Failed Parenting In The Bible: Genesis

We’re told time & time again that the Bible is the epitome of ‘family values’. That the Holy Book is the Final Word in morality & child rearing, and the End All & Be All of All That Is Good & Righteous. Well, guess what? It’s not. And it’s isn’t.

I, for one, cannot understand why anyone would let their kids read the Bible, as it’s arguably the most explicitly violent, sexually ammoral, sadomasochistic book ever written in the history of the world!

It contains numerous examples of alcohol & drug abuse, incest, rape, bestiality, suicide, voyeurism, gender inequality, mysogynism, slavery, hallucinations & dellusions, racism, bigotry, fanaticism, hatred, lawlessness, pathological misbehaviours such as lying, family dysfunction, undermining of authority figures, leaps of logic, and great lapses in cognitive & objective reasoning abilities…all brewed in a massive orgy of incredible examples of brutal violence, murder, mass atrocities & global genocide.

Don’t believe me? Well, join me & open up your Good Book…

And enjoy this first installment of a new ongoing series I call “Failed Parenting In The Bible” and take a close look at…

In The Beginning…

God created light. And then the universe. And then the earth.

And, on that earth, he made all the plants & animals. And to dominate over those animals, he fashioned a statue of clay in his image & breathed life into it and…abracadabra… the first Man.

Yes, he created an entire universe, and a massive, spectacular planet with vast oceans & many continents full of creatures…just for one man.

And, for a while, it was Good.

Until God saw that his “son”, whom he called Adam, was lonely.

So He tore out a chunk of bone out of Adam (ouch) and out of that piece of rib he made him a companion, a female He named Eve.

Now Adam & Eve got along very well, and soon they were busying themselves having a lot of sex. And since they were not yet able to comprehend shame or embarrassment, they would have sex everywhere & with absolute abandon. It was natural. They enjoyed their nakedness. Heck, they probably even had sex in front of God a couple of times while He was just passing through & said “hey, don’t mind me”.

And, really, could you blame Him for watching?

So, one fine day while Adam & Eve were out discovering & naming things that they saw, God warned them not to touch the Tree of Knowledge. Or else. Now why He put a tree in the middle of the Garden of Eden inbued with all the knowledge of the universe & then forbid anyone to even so much as breathe near it is anyone’s guess. But that’s God for you. He works is mysterious ways.

Original Sin
Now, problem is, God did the one thing to his creations that you should never do to a child – which is say “don’t eat that”. Of course, they’re going to!

He should have said “that tree over there bears fruit that gave me the worst diarrhea ever.” Yep, some good ol’ reverse psychology.

Well, you know what happens next. Eve is encouraged by a talking snake (yes, a talking animal) to take an apple from the Tree of Knowledge & take a big bite.

And she does.

And then she convinces Adam to take a bite.

And then they realize that they’re really really naked.

Self-awareness.

The Orginal Sin.

Of course, this royally pisses off God, as the next time he sees Adam & Eve, they’re now wearing clothes that they fashioned out of dead animal carcasses. Vaginas & penises that had previously freely tasted the sweet air of freedom now hid behind crude fur underwear.

So with God losing his little personal nudist colony & his voyeurism opportunities now greatly limited, He curses them both & throws them out…

Exiling them forever from their home!

Really, He shouldn’t have let it go that far. It went like a drama out of control. God should have written it off for what it was: Early parenting blunders.

God should have never been held a grudge against them, and Mankind, for so long.

But, then again, that would be logical and the Bible, you’ll find, is anything but!

The Procreation Conundrum
It comes time for the world’s first and only couple to produce offspring. And they do. But only boys. Now how do you suppose those offspring produced? Simple biology & math would suggest the boys had to do mom. Incestually. Good Christian values there. No wonder Cain killed Abel. Probably got really jealous of the extra attention mommy paid to Abel.

Cain & Abel
You’re a God. Your grandchildren give you presents. You smile & playfully tussle the hair of Abel, but frown & dismiss Cain. You’re not only a lousy father, you’re a terrible grandfather. Now I’m not saying you turned Cain into a psychopath, but overly liberal parents & grouchy hypocritical conservative grandfathers can make for one fucked up kid.

Besides, you’re an all-powerful, all-knowing deity. Shouldn’t you have seen this coming?

The Great Begetting

So Cain, and his brother Seth, start procreating with mom. And produce more offspring. Eventually girls are put into the mix and brother & sister soon start getting it on…for the purpose of making the Human Race, of course.

How else did you imagine this was going to go?

So, so & so begets so & so, and so on, and so on and so on and so on.

Suffice it to say, there’s a lot of begetting.

And the population grows…

And grows…

And grows…

Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number
And then someone finally begat a man named Lamech.

Now, Lamech starts having kids left & right at the ripe age of 282 years. He lives well into his 770’s. Wisely, he waited a couple of centuries before procreating.

One of the boys he fathers is Noah, who will eventually bring about The End of the World.

Oh, and Lamech dies without leaving his family life insurance.

God Goes Totally Psycho
You would think that if your kids go bad, it’s not generally a good idea to kill them all & start over.

Well, we’re not God.

Anyway, God frets about the “corruption” of man so, one day, He decides He’ll kill off every man, woman & child and, for good measure, every single living thing on earth.

Well, with the exception of a small boatful of creatures. And perhaps a helpful dove.

Because, you see, God chooses Noah to survive his planned watery holocaust. Noah is then told to build a great ark to exact specifications & then round up 7 pairs of every animal and set sail before He floods the entire world in a great big wet cataclysm of death.

So not does God have responsibility issues, he’s a raving psychopath! He watches as everyone drowns! The Bible says that life is sacred? My ass it does! To Him, we’re nothing more than a glorified ant farm.

Oh sure, He felt kinda bad afterwards. Too bad God the “all powerful, all-knowing” deity didn’t give Himself the gift of foresight.

But then, get this, He has the nerve to decree the following:

‘The taking of a life I will punish with death. Any animal or human being who kills another human being must be put to death, for humankind was created in God’s image.’ Genesis 9:5-6

Talk about ‘do as I say, not as I do’.

An Inconvenient Parable
So after 40 days of endless rain & flood, Noah notices a dove in the sky that leads him to the top of a mountain poking through the water.

Makes you think: did God melt the polar ice caps, too? That’s a heck of a lot of water for just rain. And, conversely, if our sea levels rise due to global climate imbalance, wouldn’t that signify God’s displeasure with our own “corruption”? Of course not! Global climate imbalance is a liberal scheme invented to make Al Gore filthy rich & deny Christians their manifest destiny to dominate over the entire world & consume a great deal of crap while driving their Jesus-approved SUVs & enjoying their glorious suburban domicile full of wonderful appliances & God-fearing kids.

After the flood disappears, Noah & his clan finally settle down on well-irrigated earth.

Noah The Naked Drunk
Noah would spend his time farming & drinking, at night passing out on wine, naked in his tent. One day, one of his sons finds him in his nakedness & fetches his brothers. They return to cover him up. Noah awakes & catigates his sons for their thoughtfulness. And talk about a flood of cursing!

What a thankless oaf.

Who names their son Ham anyway? What, so you can your fat son “Porky”?

God sure can pick ’em.

Tower Of Babel
So Mankind build an impressively huge tower that climbs high into the sky, almost poking God in the eye. God decides that Mankind is getting too cocky. Also, God is not too big on communication & cooperation. As a ‘hands-on, micromanaging’ kind of deity, the Big Boss decided to mess with our single language & create many so we wouldn’t understand one another.

The subsequent misunderstandings, mistranslations & disunity throughout history that caused much death & suffering is… ding ding ding… God’s fault!

Abraham
And now we get to Abraham.

You might have once heard that ol’ Abe was the patriarch of all Jews, Christians, and Muslims.

Well, like me, you probably will scratch your head about that.

Abraham, or Abram as he was known then, tells his wife Sarah (then known as Sarai) not to tell people that they’re married while they’re visiting Egypt.

Honesty. It’s not really a big Biblical deal, kids.

So the Pharroah then tries to take her as his wife, which makes God visit several plagues on the Egyptians.

Oh, and kids, God LOVES collective punishment.

Now, you would think that Abraham would learn the error of his ways & not repeat this behaviour in the future. Right? Boy, you just don’t get the Bible, do you?

No, he does this AGAIN later on when visiting the city of Gerar. This time, God drops in on the king of Gerar in his dreams & warns the him not to mess with Abraham’s goddamn wife (Interresting that Pharroah didn’t seem to merit this advance warning deal), and the next morning the king confronts Abraham about his lies. But then Abraham says:

‘Anyway, she really is my sister: my father’s daughter (though not my mother’s), besides being my wife.’ Genesis 20:12

Oh, and then the king decides to give Mr. Incest a lot of money. Maybe that will stop God from interrupting his lucid dreams of naked Egyptian slave girls.

So the lesson here for kids is this: God really loves incest. And bribery. And dishonesty. And visiting people in their dreams so as to interrupt their lucid dreams of naked Egyptian slave girls.

Isaac Is Born
So Sarah, formelly barren, gives birth to Isaac & she has him play with slaves, but then says:

“‘Drive away that slave-girl and her son,’ she said to Abraham, ‘this slave-girl’s son is not to share the inheritance with my son Isaac.'” Genesis 21:10

Another Biblical teaching moment, kids: Sharing is bad.

Now his wife can’t conceive, so she tells Abraham to do the mambo with her slave. So adultery: good. Slavery: good. Yeah, chock full o’ family values, this Bible.

After the slave ponies up the kid, she’s thrown aside as if she were a used tampon. An anachronism of a metaphor, I know, because tampons didn’t exist back then & women probably had to make due with a crude wad of sheep wool. Anyway, when the slave is exiled, one of God’s righteous angels tells her to go back & submit to Sarah. Or not. Because later on we’re told a different story. So hold on there.

Lot & His Two Daughters
Meanwhile, two angels go to the infamous town of Sodom & are given hospitality by a man named Lot. A hapless mob comes knocking at Lot’s door & demand that Lot give up the two visitors so that they may have sex with them. Lot flatly refuses and instead offers up his two daughters.

You read that correctly: He offers them his two virgin daughters.

‘Look, I have two virgin daughters. Please let me bring them out to you. You may do whatever you please to them, just do not do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof.’ Genesis 19:8

Wait, it gets better! So one of the angels tells Lot that they’re there to warn him that God will smite the town of Sodom & he should get his family out.

So what does Lot do?

“Lot went off and spoke to his future sons-in-law who were to marry his daughters. ‘Hurry!’ he said, ‘Get out of this place, for Yahweh is about to destroy the city!'” Genesis 19:14

Did you catch that? ‘Future sons-in-law’! Not only did he pitch his two virgin daughters to the mob, they were engaged to be married!

I guess in all the excitement he forgot to add “oh, you might want to also fetch your virgin fiances before you leave because, you know, they’re being raped out in the streets by a wild mob.”

Ah, back when women were nothing more than property to be traded.

Such was their lot in life.

Pardon the pun.

The Smiting Of Sodom & Gemorrah
So remember when God promised not to rain death down upon Man because of His temper? Seems God had His fingers crossed.

And if you look back & see God break his promise, God will turn you into a pillar of salt. Maybe God’s thinking is: if no one sees anything, it never happened.

So when Lot’s wife looks back to watch the town of Sodom in flames, she turns into a pillar of salt.

While Lot remains a pillar of the community!

Yuk yuk yuk.

Lot & His Two Newly Devirginized, Newly Single Daughters
So Lot is now wife-less & later settles in a cave with his two daughters (whom the Bible fails to mention are also now fiance-less).

Then one night…

“The elder said to the younger, ‘Our father is an old man, and there is no one here to marry us in the normal way of the world. Come on, let us ply our father with wine and sleep with him. In this way we can preserve the race by our father.’ That night they made their father drunk. And the elder slept with her father though he was unaware of her coming to bed or her leaving. The next day the elder said to the younger, ‘Last night, I was the one who slept with our father. Let us make him drunk again tonight, and you go sleep with him. In this way we can preserve the race by our father.’ They made their father drunk that night too. And the younger went and slept with him, though he was unaware of her coming to bed or leaving. Both of Lot’s daughters thus became pregnant by their father.” Genesis 19:31-36

Yeehaw. Now all of this wouldn’t have happened had God not killed off their entire town of hapless rapists & turned mom into a pillar of salt. And did God smite these 3 incestual refugees for their sins? Hell no. And who wrote this book, Osama bin laden’s great great great great great great great great great great grandpa?!

Abraham Exiles His Slave Mistress & Illegitimate Child
So Hagar, Abraham’s ‘mistress’ (uh…slave girl), who bore Abraham a child because Sarah couldn’t conceive (until God decided she could), is given supplies & told to leave because now Sarah is all out of her mind about the situation… a situation, let me remind you, that was her great big idea in the first place.

Then, one night, God visits Abraham and tells him to not worry about the slave girl & the child and just do whatever his batshit crazy wife wants. And what his batshit crazy wife wants is the newly unwanted kid & slave mommy gone. Pronto! No way is she gonna let those ‘people’ get one red shekel of little Isaac’s inheritance!

So Hagar the slave girl is sent into exile with what she can carry & wanders off into the desert of Beersheba with poor little unwanted Ishmael strapped to her back. But when she runs out of water, she abandons the child under a bush. She doesn’t even make it a kilometre before she’s stopped by her utter grief & regret.

Then God decides to make another appearance. Guess that guilt kicked in again. Up pops a well. God saves the day! Yay for everyone!

So, rich couple forces their slave to conceive a child for them, and when the rich couple CAN conceive, they banish the other child & the slave into exile with nothing more than some food & water.

That’s your family values at work, folks!

And, keep in mind, that Abraham is regarded as the patriarch of all Jews, Christians & Muslims.

And, for the life of me, I can’t figure out why.

God Tests Abraham
You’re following along alright? Good, because it gets better!

God decides to test Abraham. One night, his voice thunders in the sky & tells Abe to bring along his son to a chosen place out in the valley. God makes pains to tell Abraham to bring “his only son, Isaac”. Yeah, fuck Ishmael!

“God said, ‘Now take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go into the land of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I will tell you.'” Genesis 22:2

After 3 days of travel on a donkey, Abe & his non-bastard son Isaac arrive at the chosen place and makes Isaac fetch wood to build an altar in a valley ledge. Isaac asks his father where the offering for God is. “God will provide us with the lamb for the offering”, replied his father.

Because, you see, ol’ Abe then straps down Isaac to the altar:

“Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slaughter his son.”
Genesis 22:10

And ol’ Abe is just about to dig that knife into his boy when an ‘angel of God’ speaks up.

“‘Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him,’ said the angel of God. ‘For now I know that you fear God, seeing that you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me.'” Genesis 22:12

Instead, a nearby goat gets it. And that goat is served up to God in tribute.

Gee, Abe, you’re ready to murder your own flesh & blood because a voice in the sky tells you to? Nowadays, you get a CNN exclusive as to how much of a raving craaaaazy lunatic you are! Then again, you live in an age where that kind of thing means you’re clearly a prophet of God & worthy of reverence.

How times change.

Now, God, is this really how you “test” people’s “faith” or is this how you find out how easily influenced & gullible someone is? Really, because if this is your idea of the Good People Test, I’m totally going to fail.

God says ‘don’t kill’, but then demands it. Sometimes he totally orders the genocide of an entire people. He’s like a girlfriend that says “I don’t want you to get me anything for my birthday”, but then expects to be handed something when the day comes.

No wonder Christians always seem confused.

I would be, too, if I believed one iota of this crap!

The Last Days Of Ol’ Abe
Sadly, Abraham’s wife passes away. Then, in the sunset of his years & pensive after long enjoying wealth and every blessing imaginable that God has favoured him with, Abraham summons the senior servant of his household.

He proceeds to tell him:

“‘I am going to make you swear by Yahweh, God of heaven and God of earth, that you will not choose a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom I live but will go to my native land and my own kinsfolk to choose a wife for my son Isaac.'” Genesis 24:3

That’s right. Abraham tells his servant that he wants his boy to marry in the family. Oh, and to make sure he definitely does not marry a Canaanite (read “black”) girl.

I told you…God loves incest!

Anyway, as soon as he makes the servant swear, Abraham subsequently remarries & has a shitload more kids.

Then he leaves everything to Isaac.

That’s right, he JUST had a huge brood of kids with a new woman & leaves everything to the kid from his first wife.

Nothing to the new family. And nothing to the child he fathered with a slave girl.

God sure loves deadbeat dads, too.

Isaac, Chip Off The Ol’ Block
So Isaac inherits Abraham’s wealth and takes on a beautiful woman, Rebekah, for a wife.

During a time of great famine, he travels to the town of Gerar with his new wife, to visit upon Abimelech the Philistine king.

And, just like his old man, Isaac lies about his wife amd introduces her to everyone as his sister:

“When the people of the place asked him about his wife, he replied, ‘She is my sister,’ because he was afraid to say, ‘She is my wife’, thinking, ‘The people of the place will kill me because of Rebekah, because she is beautiful.'” Genesis 26:7

But one night, the king catches Isaac making out with his wife…

“Abimelech summoned Isaac and said to him, ‘Surely she must be your wife! How could you have said, “She is my sister”? What a thing to do to us! One of the people might have easily slept with your wife. We should have incurred guilt thanks to you.'” Genesis 26:9-10

Then the king makes a decree that anyone who touches Isaac or his wife will be summarily executed.

Like father, like son.

Isaac & Rebekah Play Favourites
Esau & Jacob are born to Isaac & Rebekah. Each favours one of the boys, one a born hunter & outdoorsman, the other a homebody. To describe them as a “disfunctional family” would be too kind.

Let’s just say there’s a lot of tension in the family. And that Esau & Jacob are always competing with each other.

In fact, one day Esau comes home from hunting & smells something delicious that Jacob is cooking. Only problem is that Jacob will only allow Esau to eat if his brother surrenders his birthright as firstborn for it.

Happily, a famished Esau relinquishes his birthright for a bowl of grub.

Ah, brotherhood. Wouldn’t you swell up with pride watching these two?

Now when Isaac is on his deathbed, he commands Esau to go out & get him some game so that he may bless his favourite son & perhaps enjoy one final meal together. His wife overhears this & commands her own favourite, Jacob, to round up game & deceive his father to receive a blessing instead.

Mother & son prepare the meal together. Then Rebekah disguises Jacob to look like his more rugged, hairier brother. Finally, Jacob brings the meal to his father.

But, maybe, his father may be not so easily fooled:

“Isaac said to Jacob, ‘Come closer, son, so that I can feel you and be sure whether you really are my son Esau or not.'”Genesis 27:21

Fooled, Isaac blesses Jacob & makes him master of the household. As Jacob scoots off, Esau walks in with his catch & asks that he be blessed. His father, confused, said that he has already made the blessing & it shall stand. Esau shall serve Isaac.

So Esau then secretly plots Jacob’s murder.

What a great family, huh?

Jacob and The Ol’ Switcheroo
Forbidden from marrying a Canaanite girl *cough black girl cough*, Jacob is instead directed to go to his mother’s father’s home & choose a wife from that side of the family. Jacob travels to Laban’s home, who has two daughters: the eldest named Leah, the younger Rachel.

Jacob falls for his cousin Rachel, because she was hotter.

After a month, his uncle tells him over dinner that he’d love to have Jacob work for him and asks him what he’d like as wage. Jacob offers 7 years of service in exchange for Rachel’s hand in marriage.

“Jacob stayed with Laban for a month. Then Laban said to Jacob, ‘Just because you are my nephew, should you be working for me for nothing? Tell me what will your wages shall be.’ Jacob said, ‘I will work for you for seven years in exchange for your younger daughter Rachel.'” Genesis 29:14-18

I’m sure you’re dying for the reply.

“‘It is better that I should give her to you than to some other man,’ said Laban. ‘Stay with me.'”
Genesis 29:19

7 years fly by & Jacob asks his uncle:

“Then Jacob said to Laban, ‘My time is fulfilled, so now give me my wife so that I may have sex with her.'” Genesis 29:21

His uncle throws him a wedding feast. Later that night, his uncle instead sends Leah to his room & they have sex. In the morning, he realizes the deceit & angrily confronts his uncle.

“Jacob said to Laban, ‘What is this you have done to me? Did I not work for you in exchange for Rachel? Why have you deceived me?’ Laban said, ‘It is not the local custom to marry off the younger before the firstborn. Complete this daughter’s wedding feast week, then we will give you the other girl as well, in exchange for another seven years of work.'” Genesis 29:25-26

So how about that? Talk about your bait & switch! Aren’t you glad that he’s not your father?!

Sheesh.

“Jacob did so, completing the wedding feast week, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. And Jacob had sex with Rachel as well. Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years.” Genesis 29:30

And now the Bible has this to say to kids: God loves incest…AND polygamy!

The Sibling Rivalry
Now God takes pity on Leah & allows her to bear a son while keeping Rachel barren (Genesis 29:31-32). Oh, make that two (Genesis 29:33). Ooops, okay, make that three (Genesis 29:34). WTF?! Someone put a plug in her vagina (Genesis 29:35). That leaves us with four boys for Leah.

The Score: Rachel=0, Leah=4

Rachel pleads with Jacob to make her preggers. Jacob says it’s not him that’s keeping her from getting pregnant. In desperation, Rachel summons her slave. And Rachel Vs. Leah goes to Round Two.

“She said, ‘Here is my slave-girl Bilhah. Have sex with her so that she may give birth on my knees, and I will obtain children through her.’ Rachel gave him Bilhah her slave-girl as a concubine, and Jacob had sex with her.” Genesis 30:3-4

**Faceplant**

What the fuck is wrong with this family?!

But, oh, it gets better.

Bilhah the slave gives birth to a son. Then ponies up another. Rachel claims victory!

“Rachel’s slave-girl Bilhah became pregnant again and bore Jacob a second son. Rachel said, ‘I am battling my sister in a mighty struggle, and I am winning.'” Genesis 30:7-8

The Score: Rachel=2, Leah=4

Seeing that Rachel was closing up on the scoreboard, Leah took action.

“When Leah saw that she had stopped having children, she took her slave-girl Zilpah and gave her to Jacob as a concubine.” Genesis 30:9

Leah’s slave girl shoots out two sons.

The Score: Rachel=2, Leah=6

One day, Leah is in the fields & her firstborn arrives with flowers for her. Rachel sees these & asks for them. Leah cries that Rachel already took her husband, why must she take her flowers too!

“‘Very well,’ said Rachel, ‘Jacob shall sleep with you tonight in exchange for your son’s mandrakes.’ Jacob came from the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, saying, ‘You must have sex with me, for I paid for your services with my son’s mandrakes.’ God heard Leah, and she became pregnant, and bore Jacob a fifth son. Leah said, ‘God has rewarded me for giving my slave-girl to my husband.'” Genesis 30:15-18

The Score: Rachel=2, Leah=7

And then Leah had another (Genesis 30:19).

The Score: Rachel=2, Leah=8

And then, Leah gives birth to a daughter (Genesis 30:21).

The Score: Rachel=2, Leah=9

Then God remembers Rachel & gives her a son (Genesis 30:22).

The Score: Rachel=3, Leah=9

The Winner: LEAH!!!

Jacob Wrestles With An Angel
Oh, and then Jacob takes his two wives, his two slave-girls, his many children & his many possessions & animals across a river.

One night, he goes off into the mountains & is tackled by an angel.

And then he wrestles with the angel until dawn.

And wins!

And then God, speaking through the angel, renames him Israel.

He limps off to rejoin his family, as his hip was diplaced in the fighting.

And that is why Jews are forbidden from being hip.

Or was it that they’re forbidden from eating the sinew of a hipbone?

Boy, it’s hard to keep track of these crazy ‘rules’.

Dinah Meets A Hapless Rapist
The only daughter, Dinah, separates from the group to find other girls to play with, since all her siblings were boys.

However, a stranger named Shechem spots her.

“He seized her, forced himself on her, and raped her.” Genesis 34:2

The rapist then takes her to town, declaring his love for her & asks his father to make Dinah his wife.

Jacob catches wind of this & makes an appearance.

“But his sons were in the field with his livestock, and Jacob kept silent until they returned.”
Genesis 34:5

What a pussy!

So when Jacob’s boys finally do come to town once they receive the news and confront the rapist & his father, they are asked to stay & live in the land in exchange for the girl so that the rapist can marry her.

And what do the brothers have to say?

“The sons of Jacob answered Shechem and Hamor his father, ‘We cannot do this. To give our sister to someone who is uncircumcised would be a disgrace to us.'” Genesis 34:13-14

Ah, what a lovely sentiment. It’s not that he’s a rapist that defiled their sister, it’s that he’s not a Jew!

However…

“‘Only on one condition will we consent: if you will become like us and have every one of your males circumcised. Only then will we give our daughters to you, and we will take your daughters to us, and we will dwell with you, and become one nation. But if you will not listen to us and become circumcised, then we will take our sister, and we will go.'” Genesis 34:15-17

That’s right! Well, you can marry our sister that you just raped if you become Jewish yourself, Mr. Hapless Rapist!

So the rapist happily agrees & circumcizes himself.

Oh, and every male in the land got circumcized, too.

Everyone is happy…while they are all in pain & holding their bleeding crotches!

And look at Hamor, he is so happy for his Hapless Rapist son while he, too, holds his bleeding crotch!

‘…and he was the most honored in his father’s house.’ Genesis 34:19

That’s the magic of the Bible, folks. Full of heartwarming parables.

But we’re not done…

“Three days later, while the men were still in pain two of Jacob’s sons, Simeon and Levi, each took his sword, and came into the unsuspecting city. They slaughtered all the males. They killed Hamor and his son Schechem and took Dinah out of Shechem’s house, and went away. Jacob’s other sons came upon the slain. And they plundered the city, taking their flocks, their herds, their donkeys, all that was in the city and in the fields, and all their wealth. They took all their wives and children captive, and took as plunder everything in their houses.” Genesis 34:25-29

And Jacob was furious!

“Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, ‘You have ruined me, making me odious to the inhabitants of the land, the Canaanites and the Perizzites. We are few in number. They will band together against us and attack. I will be destroyed, I and my household.'” Genesis 34:30

What a pussy.

“Simeon and Levi replied, ‘Should we have allowed him to treat our sister like a whore?'” Genesis 34:31

Man, this is one fucked up book!

We Briefy Pause For More Incest

‘Reuben went and slept with Bilhah, his father’s concubine.’ Genesis 35:22

Which means, if you haven’t been keeping score, Reuben (son of Leah) had sex with the mother of one of his brothers.

In the Bible, it serves no parable or any real narrative, it’s just an aside. Like, by the way, here’s some sexy incest action.

Joseph & His Technicolour Dreamcoat Must Die

So Jacob (aka Israel) ultimately favours Joseph out of all his offspring, the one with the multi-coloured coat that he made for him. Anyway, the others start to seethe with hatred & resentment of Joseph & one day decide to kill him. They throw him down a well. They present Jacob’s coat, bloodied in animal blood, to his father.

Later, he’s pulled out by some passing merchants & sold into slavery.

Jacob grieves & grieves. Guess he shouldn’t have played favourites. And raised such jealous, petty, rotten & murderous children.

But, to be fair, the bar isn’t set very high for fatherhood back then.

Er On The Side Of Caution
So Judah meets a girl & they have 3 kids. But God doesn’t care for one of them.

“But Judah’s firstborn, Er, was offensive to Yahweh, and Yahweh killed him.” Genesis 38:7

I guess God forgot the old adage:

“To Er is human, to forgive Divine.”

Onanism

Enter Er’s brother Onan.

No, pay attention, because this is where the term ‘onanism’ originated.

“Judah said to Onan, ‘Have sex with your brother’s wife, performing the duty of a brother-in-law to her, and raise offspring for your brother.'” Genesis 38:8

Ha ha! God loves incest!

“But knowing that the child would not be his, whenever Onan had sex with his brother’s wife, he would spill his semen on the ground to avoid giving offspring to his brother.” Genesis 38:9

Doesn’t this kid know the Monty Python song “Every Sperm Is Sacred’?! Sacrilege!!!

“What he did offended Yahweh, and Yahweh killed him, too.” Genesis 38:10

God killed someone for cumming on the floor.

I’ll repeat that so it kicks in.

“God. Killed. Someone. For. Cumming. On. The. Floor.

So, the lesson here, kids is:

Ejaculate into that pussy or else! And those “facials” dad likes to give to mom are a slight against God!

Why Judah Should Have Been Named John
A newly widowed Tamar grieves & is told to go up to see her father-in-law since he’s going to Timnah for the shearing of sheep. She wears a veil & goes out to wait for him.

“Judah, seeing her, took her for a prostitute, since her face was veiled. Going up to her on the road, he said, ‘Here, let me sleep with you.'” Genesis 38:15-16

Not only hitting on his daughter-in-law. But a newly widowed daughter-in-law.

But, to be fair, he didn’t know she was his daughter-in-law.

She was just a tasty prostitute. And what his wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her!

“‘What will you give me for sleeping with you?’ she asked. ‘I will send you a kid from the flock,’ he said.” Genesis 38:16-17

So, Judah offers a whore his only remaining son, after two had recently died, for some sex.

For. Some. Sex.

To his daughter-in-law.

Whom he mistook for a prostitute.

Think about that.

The whore/daughter-in-law asks for collateral until then.

“He gave them to her and slept with her, and she conceived by him.” Genesis 38:18

She left him & when he got wind of her fraud:

“‘Bring her out,’ ordered Judah, ‘and let her be burnt alive!'” Genesis 38:24

Wow. Little over the top there, dude.

Anyway, she handed over evidence of his complicity & her name was cleared. Judah apologized, for he indeed never ponied up the kid he owed her for services rendered. And all was well.

Wow, no wonder the Bible is the best selling book of all time! It’s soap opera at it’s best!


Oooh, I’m scared!

So stay tuned for the next epic chapter…

The Fine Print: illustrations provided courtesy of Christian ClipArt & some artwork I found on the interwebs. Thanks. These are used under Fair Use provisions.

All text (c)2009 Private Pinko/G. Brogan except Biblical quotes, of course, which were largely written in ancient times by men who were on a lot of drugs. Really, you had to be high to write half of that crap!

And, yes, I’m going to hell. So what else is new?!

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