Pvt. Pinko's Parade Of Parody

From the Desk of the Ghost of Ernesto “Che” Guevera

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Hola, brothers & sisters in Revolucion. I am the Ghost of Ernesto “Che” Guevera.

Of course, you are shocked for you thought they did away with me long ago in Bolivia! Fear not, dear reader, for I have returned. True, I perished like a real man. “You are killing a man!” I thundered before those CIA-backed Bolivian cowards, shaking in their boots, executed me. Bastardos! But they could not kill my spirit… and ideas are bulletproof! A prueba de bala!

Now you are wondering why I am here, now, in the form of a ghost? Why I have followed this cómico, this niño canadiense, upon his visit to the Cuban republic that I hold so dear? Well, my friends, this Gordon gringo, he is quite clever & i can sense the stirring of rebellion in his blood! He is an unlikely host in which to inspire a new revolucion, true…but I consider it a challenge! Ha! Through him shall my spectral heart pour forth long held thoughts & ideas! Está bien estar de vuelta!

It is also the 50th anniversary of the Revolucion of my dear Cuba. Has it been half a century already? Time flies when you are a martyr! To mark this great occasion, I must share a few words to you, my brothers & sisters in Revolucion! 

And so, today, I begin my diario de computadora! Disfrutar!

• Was I not correct that capitalism is a contest among wolves? Look around you, my brothers& sisters, your lives are mere sheep to them, and they will feast at a banquet of your making. The moneyed class do not care for you. They loathe you. Entrust them not. They will take their jeweled boot & drive your head further into the shit whenever they can! Revolucion is the only answer! Finally, I see my beloved South America wake up to their plight & rise up from the mire of poverty & hopelessness. Finalmente!

• I enjoy this “internet”. It is a marvel of technology! And computers! May it unite the people! Que ahora? What’s this now? A woman wishes to make love to me here? In Kitchener?! Press “click”? Una broma!!! Máquina mentirosa de infierno!!! Oh, how I detest being made a fool! No one makes a fool out of Che! For forty years I have not known flesh… and now… I think now… oh, I decree to you, brothers & sisters, when it comes to this “internet pornography”: JUST CHE NO!

• The embargo. What a joke. Una farsa triste! You can thank the Cuban exile community for that. Hey, you Miami hijoputas, here’s my middle finger! Sit & rotate. Love, “the Butcher of La Habana”.

• Asombroso! The moon! Who could envision that?! Men on the moon!? To die in 1967! Had I only been shot dead the following year! 

• Woodstock! Okay, maybe make that 2 years!

• As a fantasma you cannot smoke. This meollo de puro you see? This cigar nub? It does nothing. I have it out of habit. Oh, how i crave for a good cigar… now that death has cured me of pulmonary emphysema!

• Ah, the Great Red Bear falls. The Soviets are no more. I saw this coming. They were not serious communists. They were imperialists as tiresome & meddling as their yankee counterparts. But I appreciated their help in our Revolucion. 

• My beloved Cuba. In such disrepair! But now it is a tourist delight once again. Ah, you canadienses hermosos. You are too kind to my Cuba. Visit her often! Is she not the jewel of the Caribbean! 

• Man, i love those Bueno Vista Social Club boys! They remind me of the music i would often hear in my head as i would lay back against a tree during a long excursion in my guerilla days in the Congo jungle. There I would be… enjoying the last of a good cigar, a Churchill given to me by Fidel himself, and that music would remind me of my beautiful Havana! Music that would blot out the zinging & zanging of those bullets clipping the leaves around me! The soldiers would look at me in absolute terror and they would say “Che, we are being fired upon! Che, we must flee! Che, are you crazy?!” No, my friends, it is not crazy to enjoy the finer things in life. The smoke of a pressed Cuban leaf with the music of Havana coursing through your heart are good companions for the solitary soldier. Relajar! Besides, those bullets cannot touch me, for we are being pursued by Congolese policia & they are the worst shots in all of the equator!

• I love Hugo Chavez like a brother, but the man does not shut up! He means well, but he is a fool! He’s like a broken record now. Predictable, uninteresting. Where is that old fire? Now he is a joke, deaf to his own people. Deaf like Fidel is now. Cerrado, usted tonto grande!

• Benicio del Toro? Interesting compañero. I saw this biopic of yours truly: “Che”. It was… good. It is incredible to see your life condensed… as much as they skipped on a lot of the talking, shooting, fucking, swearing, waiting, smoking, training, building, planning, waiting, sweating, hiding…but, yeah, there is my life right there. Exactemente! Except i liked Motorcycle Diaries better. Because I wrote it! And I wrote it at an age when I was so young and idealistic, a romantic whom Argentinian women threw themselves at! Little did I know or imagine that one day, some Bolivian cobardes would gun me down. But such is life! Only in death do we realize “hey, i wish i had slowed down to enjoy things… and maybe shave!”

• So the yankee imperialists have elected a black man to their presidency! Of this, i am surprised! I guess i owe Raoul a few pesos. Ha! I am dead, I have no spirit pesos to give anyone! Still, it is good news. Now I await their election of a blind & deaf one-legged lesbian Native Americano. And I’ll double or nothing that wager, Raoul!

• I am so parched, i could drink half the cervecas in South America! These desires do not leave you when you die! 

• I have such a speech to give at the United Nations! If only I had bothered to listen to the “possession” part of the orientation lecture upon my death. I admit I did not pay attention. Qué vergüenza!

• I remain an atheist, my friends. This afterlife simply proves that I was not negated completely from this world by Bolivian espuma! If I meet an angel or “God”, you will be the first to know! Check back soon!

• I see i am now an iconic image. A “logo”. I am to revolucion what Mickey Mouse is to family entertainment! I love it!

Ah, this has been most fun! A great alivio! I look forward to sharing more with you, my revolutionary brothers & sisters. Soon enough! For now, I must look for some way to finally smoke a Cohiba & drink a goddamn cervecas! 

Viva la Revolucion!

Con el amor de un rebelde verdadero!

chez 19


All text (c) Copyright 2009 Private Pinko/G. Brogan


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