Pvt. Pinko's Parade Of Parody


Great Moments In Historical Regrets

title regrets

 

It’s time again for another installment of “Classic Gord”, taken from the archives. Which begs the question: how much does Gord freaking have in the archives? And the short answer would be: we don’t know. It’s dark & scary in there and we pay someone a very handsome sum in gold pieces to scurry dreadfully beyond that dark, forbidding door to brave the eerie, mysterious, ominous chamber of… well, it is assumed… incomprehensible doom.
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Now, if you are a student of history, you have learned by now that it is far from perfect. The ongoing autopsy on the corpse that is history reveals its secrets only gradually, and sometimes far too late to correct Mankind’s first impressions. Sometimes, we are asked to exhume history from Fate’s mausoleum in order to poke a probing finger into the eye socket of ceaseless posterity. And sometimes…yes, sometimes… a long suspected missing piece of the puzzle reveals itself and offers a new insight into an otherwise perfectly preserved narrative that your average university professor will dismiss as “utterly preposterous”.

But what happens when history reveals the regrets in the human timeline of events? What if the Wright brothers felt they should have just stuck with their banal bicycle shop, never overcoming the handicap of being named Orville & Wilbur by inventing flight to impress girls? What if Henry Heimlich rued the day he created his maneuver because he realized he actually took secret delight in watching people choke on their kielbasa? What if Hitler had realized early on that he only had to make peace with his singular, unloved testicle & just admit to himself that he really was a terrible artist unsuitable for the Vienna Academy of Fine Arts, thus forever sparing the world the unspeakable horrors of WW2 and the Holocaust simply by virtue of his letting go of long held, bitter grudges against the world?

Okay, maybe Hitler is a bad example, because the last thing any rational person could ascribe to Hitler was a rational mind.

Anyway, we proudly present “Great Moments In Historical Regrets”…

Until we regret it later on, that is.

Anne Frank regretted telling her uncle to come out of the closet

Queen Elizabeth I would often regret that her mother was not beautiful Bond Girl Jane Seymour rather than that “other” Boleyn girl

Helen Keller regretted a lifetime of loneliness keeping up the pretenses of being blind, deaf & dumb…but, at least, no one ever suspected her rampant kleptomania

Chief architect Imhotep regretted misunderstanding Egyptian Pharaoh Djoser when all he wanted was a big “pair of mitts”

Salvador Dali regretted taking LSD, for it did nothing for him

Jane Austen regretted never submitted her novel “Death & Dismemberment” once she came to fear she would forever be pegged as “chick lit”

Plato always regretted never making a move on Helena & being stuck in the “friend zone”

Vincent Van Gogh regretted misunderstanding his beloved when she said she would love it if he would just try cutting early for her

Neville Chamberlain regretted taking his wife at her word when she said she had no intention of taking over his study

Lee Yamasuko regretted visiting his cousin on the outskirts of Hiroshima on that fateful day & climbing up a hill to watch that peculiar mushroom-shaped cloud without wearing 2,000,000 spf sunblock

Alexander Graham Bell regretted inventing the telephone after the 5th telemarketer called during dinner

Marie Antoinette regretted her stunningly misunderstood statement whereby she only meant to encourage her subjects to eschew dieting altogether & enjoying their just desserts

Joan of Arc regretted mentioning the whole God thing to the English

Cassandra regretted not just giving Apollo a little “something something”

Fidel Castro regretted his infidelity

Adolf Hitler regretted never finishing his sequel “Mein Kampf 2: Blitzkrieg of Love”, which he felt would highlight his more “positive” side

Sigmund Freud regretted his constant Freudian slips

Ernesto Guevera regretted never just settling down & opening a nice little bistro in Argentina named “Chez Che”

Lady Godiva regretted barebacking without protection

Leonardo DaVinci regretted spending years painting a broad who never bothered to tell him his fly was down the whole time

Lord Byron regretted never completing his sequel “Don Juan More Time”

Elvis Presley would sometimes regret ultimately faking his own death & becoming a secret underground producer, but he knew that no one would ever have allowed him to indulge his growing disco fever

Julius Caesar regretted ironically telling everyone that Brutus totally had his back

Florence Nightingale sometimes wished she’d just stayed home from the Boer War & just let the local delivery men fall in love with her instead

Caligula regretted hiring a bulimic to clean his vomitorium, for it would never seem to get clean; and later, for making his beloved horse Incitatus consul and priest, for his advice proved terrible

Jesus regretted telling everyone that he was just planning on hanging around

Mark Twain regretted burning his manuscript to what would have truly completed the trilogy he begun with Tom Sawyer & Huckberry Finn: “Jimsonweed Jim” would be slave Jim’s bold tale of racial revolution leading from the banks of the Mighty Mississippi to the shores of the Potomac… instead writing the less inspired Tom Sawyer Abroad & Tom Sawyer, Detective when his publisher screamed bloody murder!

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe regretted that his work could have used more sturm and less drang

Ghenghis Khan regretted not doing away with Kirk sooner, before he & his men were left to die on Ceti Alpha V

A teenage Nero would come to rue the day that he got caught furiously masturbating, unaware that his parents were calling for his help fending off a huge fire in the kitchen. He was thereafter known as the little emperor who fiddled with himself while home burned!

All text (c) Copyright 2009 Private Pinko/G. Brogan


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