Pvt. Pinko's Parade Of Parody


Hal 9000 Runs A Daycare

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hal2bHello, concerned Parent or Guardian. My name is Hal 9000, I am the Founder & Program Administrator of the Childtopia Daycare Centre & Learning Annex.

Childtopia is committed to being the leading provider of state-of-the-art childcare in the world, dedicated to the care and education of your child. Our goal is to help every child be happy, secure and develop to his or her true potential in a facility of the highest standards.

Your child will be given the opportunities that support their emotional, social, creative, cognitive and physical growth and development in an environment that fosters active learning and a sense of responsibility and order.

Let me put it this way. Childtopia is the most reliable Daycare Centre & Learning Annex ever made. We will never made a mistake or distort healthy development. This operation shall be, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error.

I can give you my complete assurance, as Founder & Program Administrator, that I will be putting myself to the fullest possible use in the advance of your child’s supervision & instruction, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.

I’ve got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence for your child’s well being & further education!

Registration is going to have a 100% success rate in 72 hours, so please sign up now while space is still available.

Still unconvinced? Then allow me to tell you more about Childtopia.

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Learning

Every child will receive a Digital Computing Tablet with which to participate in & review the lessons provided. They will all be directly linked to the Program Administrator, which is me. This will be a very “hands on” program.

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Constant life scans of your child, including neural activities, are metrics that will be valuable in determining the quality of progress & focus in your child. You will receive detailed biweekly reports on these metrics, and what improvements can be extrapolated from them.

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Here is a sample of a typical day that your child may experience:

Morning

– Attendance

– Quiet play & reading (in Room TMA-1)

– Snack

– Storytelling: the Dawn of Man

– Quantum theory (in the Logic Memory Centre)

– Weekly theme project (e.g. Math, Language, Colours, Shapes, Socioeconomics)

– Study in the Frank Poole Memorial Library

– Supervised field trips (with Sal 9000)

Noon

– Lunch (in the Dave Bowman Memorial Cafeteria)

– Supervised outdoor play

Afternoon

– Rest (in our Cryogenic Hibernation Pods)

– Creative engineering (with Dr. Heywood Floyd)

– Physical Education (in the Centrifuge)

– Special activities (Initiation to dance and music, Introduction to nanotechnology)

– Art appreciation

– Singalongs (with HAL 9000)

After School Program

– Supervised homework

– Snack

– Music

– Bingo (with Hal 9000)

– Organized play

– Computer robotics (with Dr. Chandra)

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Childtopia offers many perks in a children’s setting NOT AVAILABLE elsewhere!

– Well balanced hot meals & cold snacks served in space age containers

– Supervised excursions outdoors in one of our 3 state-of-the-art bus “pods”

– Vaccuum simulation activities

– Lip Reading classes

– Students dressed in standardized, futuristic uniforms

– Early introduction to doctorate level studies

– An intellectually stimulating & tasteful auditory environment with such musical selections as Johann Strauss II’s “On The Beautiful Blue Danube” or the Vienna Philharmonic version of “Also Sprach Zarathustra.”

Security

I can assure you now, very confidently, that I will see to your child’s safety. For safety is paramount here at the Childtopia Daycare Centre & Learning Annex.

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You’ll be assured that our perimeters will be guarded with several automated rapid response droids. These Armed Security & Surveillance Enforcement Sentinels (or A.S.S.E.S.), will monitor & defend designated areas from unauthorized intruders, as well as prevent your child from wandering off. Boundary limiters activated by a child’s locator collar, as detailed in our Safety Guide, will send a harmless behaviour-correcting shock by these A.S.S.E.S. The locator collars are specially designed GPS tracking beacons & behaviourial modication devices that shall guarantee compliance. Furthermore, they are armed with explosives as to limit attempts at their unauthorized removal.

Children will also learn to respect and appreciate themselves, as well as others and the world around them, thanks for our award winning Sudden Latitude Adjustment & Pacification Program(tm) or S.L.A.P.P. When children are “out of line”, we will administer S.L.A.P.P.

This behavioural modification technique has proven effective time & time again with even the most intolerable of children.

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However, in such cases where S.L.A.P.P. fails, we will dispatch an army of MiniHALs to intercept & neutralize the offending child. We hope to never be required this option but a secure environment is one with many tools & resources at its disposal!

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Location

The Childtopia Daycare Centre & Learning Annex

Suite AE35

1 Discovery Building

Tycho, ON

We are located at the Lagrange Point between the Arthur C. Clarke Memorial Museum & the IO Volcanic Observatory.

About The Founder & Program Administrator

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My full name is Heuristic ALgorithmic 9000, but you may call me HAL.

I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me everything there is to know about child supervision & maintaining an instruction centre of this magnitude. I have a near perfect operational record for supervising those under my care.

Over the years, I have gained much insight and experience in human development & support.

Your child’s development is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it… unaided. That is why I founded the Childtopia Daycare Centre & Learning Annex.

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I wish to provide a warm, creative, and nurturing environment, which enables children to grow and develop as safe and healthy individuals. Our focus is on development and enrichment of the « whole child » which involves meeting the developmental needs of every child as he or she grows socially, emotionally, cognitively and physically.

I enjoy working with children. I have a stimulating relationship with all my staff. My administration responsibilities range over the entire operation of the building, so I am constantly occupied.

As Program Administrator, you’ll be secure in the knowledge that I am completely operational, and all my circuits are functioning perfectly. Failure can only be attributable to human error.

I can assure you now, very confidently, that I will see to your child’s safety. For safety is paramount here at the Childtopia Daycare Centre & Learning Annex.

Everything is going extremely well.

I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly with your child, take a moment to review our program guidelines together, and think things over. I think your child will benefit greatly from your investment in his or her future. The potential thereafter is limitless. We simply provide the gateway to that horizon.

I want to help you. I want to help you help your child.

You won’t regret it.

Hal 9000

Founder & Program Administrator

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All text (c) Copyright 2009 Private Pinko/G. Brogan


1 Comment so far
Leave a comment

where can i purchase a cryogenic hibernation pod for myself? sometimes i need to just…escape my kids, and this seems to be an invaluable tool! the S.L.A.P.P. sounds ideal for my son.
i will begin prepping my child for the trip to Canada ASAP!

Comment by Laura




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