Pvt. Pinko's Parade Of Parody


HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED?

wondered

Are there things you ever wonder about? Of course, you have! Because curiousity is an intrinsic part of the grand experience that is life.

Except if you’re a religious nutjob and curiousity is something to be squashed like a tomato under a boot.

Or if you’re writing a screenplay for a Hollywood sequel, where curiousity – or better yet originality – is thought entirely counterproductive to your box office payday seeking numbskull producers.

Or if you’re a cat, in which curiousity then becomes potentially terminal. Then again, you have do have those 9 lives. Unless that’s a myth. Which makes one wonder then if maybe the idea that cats have 9 lives originated with a conversation between a dog and a cat & it went something like this:

Cat: “Look at that! A milk wagon just overturned! Too bad it’s on the other side of the river. And I’d have to swim. And there are probably alligators.”

Dog: “Well, you’d best hurry before everyone else gets to it.”

Cat: “I might get killed, you idiot! It’s not worth taking the chance.”

Dog: “I wouldn’t worry. I heard you cats have 9 lives. If I were you, I’d take the risk.”

Cat: “Really? Never heard that. Interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah… that changes things… Okay, I’m going for it!”

Cat dies.

Dog: “Sucker.”

—————————————–

Why is there a rank for “General”, but not one for “Specific”?

Can the colour blind see rednecks?

Are parentheses essentially just word jails?

If the early bird gets the worm, then what incentive do worms have to wake up early? Death?

At exactly which point does someone’s “sunny disposition” become “manic”?

Considering people are so obsessed with gleaming important lessons for children from the Bible, why then is Noah never portrayed as wearing a life vest?

Why do paramedics lift with their knees? Everybody knows that the best way to lift anything is with your HANDS!

Isn’t it strange that everyone assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? Here’s what you do: fill those dispensers with mayonnaise & teach someone a valuable lesson in trust!

What do you call it when a girl has a rapidly growing reputation for awesome lip service? Just great word-of-mouth?

If God is technology challenged? Why didn’t He just send a probe droid instead of His only son? A hard lesson learned indeed.

If, in the future, those aggressive pop up ads will not just block your view of the page & prove nearly impossible to shake, they’ll materialize out of the monitor, follow you into the bathroom and steal your wallet?

If, as far as women are concerned, men were only put on this earth for comic relief?

If beauty is in the eye of the Beholder… why then is love blind?

If conscience is a pest, then is karma an ant colony?

If not all who wander are lost, then not everyone with a GPS knows where the hell they’re going!

Why do people generally go out of their way to suck?

Why do most people who say they are very open-minded about new things actually mean “as long as they’re exactly like the old things”?

Is life really just infinite levels of ironic truths & possibilities co-existing simultaneously in perpetual timespace matrixes?

Why does sour cream have an expiry date? It’s already gone sour!

Why the national anthem of Iran is NOT Flock of Seagull’s “I Ran (So Far Away)”?

How the hell do alligators crawl up a toilet?

Who decides when it’s a world war? What’s the criteria here?

If a pessimist ant is called a “can’t”?

Doesn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant make as much sense as having a peeing section in a public pool?

If there is a God, why did he make atheists? That seems self-defeating.

When a muslim woman covers herself from head to toe to denote her devotion for God, she’s oppressed… but when a nun does it, she’s considered virtuous?

Doesn’t it strike you as weird that the word “virgin” sounds like it’s on the “verge” of being “in”?

Has there been anyone in the history of civilization that has gone more out of his way to convince people that he’s really really not gay than Tom Cruise?

Who do you call if the fire station is on fire?

Can one suffer from “irony deficiency”? For that matter, are there such things are “irony supplements”?

If we have contrast, why isn’t there protrast? Wouldn’t that provide some…um…contrast?

What does the “K” stand for in K-Mart? Why not go with S-Mart? Wouldn’t that be s-marter?

Why do they call it a singles bar when you’re there to couple?

Do they call it a strip club because they’re intent on stripping you of your money?

Why doesn’t someone build a keyboard that cannot be destroyed by accidently spilling your Coke?

Is the real reason marriage often spoils sex is that suddenly you’re now in bed with a relative?

No one ever seems to want to become a real estate agent, critic or graphic designer when they grow up. Is that because it’s what people do when they don’t succeed at other things?

Why haven’t the Blue Man Group been sued by the Smurfs?

Wouldn’t chemotherapy be more adequately called “chemotorture”?

What did the Beatles mean when they said “a penis is a warm gun”? And are they implying that a matriarchal nun is riding it?

If someone can’t stand the sight of blood, would that change if he or she were to become a vampire?

Since Bernie Maddoff schemed to create a massive Ponzi scheme, didn’t he know that Ponzi himself always got caught?

Once someone is “born again”, why does that person keep their original birthdate? And why don’t they celebrate their 2nd birthday instead?

If two strangers are in a movie theatre & both want to use the armrest, who wins out? Does the usher come down & flip a coin? Is it first come, first serve? If that person leaves, then does the other person get dibs? Is it just a matter of poor design?

Why are goldfish & silverfish such completely different creatures? And why isn’t there a bronzefish?

Why is it called a TV set when it doesn’t come in pairs?

If half the people in the world are of below average intelligence, then why do we continue to insist on pursuing democracy?

How exactly does ghostbusting make you feel good?

Shouldn’t it go: he who laughs last… is slow to grasp the joke?

All text (c) Copyright 2009 Private Pinko/G. Brogan


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