Pvt. Pinko's Parade Of Parody

Holy Tweet! The Long Lost Twitter Account Of Jesus
title jesus
We’ve gone & done it! Yes, we’ve guaranteed our express entrance to Hell with this brand new spanking entry! With every keystroke, the clouds gathered above & thunder clapped as if dire warnings were not so subtly on this blaspheming mortal! A conspiracy that Heaven does not want you to know:


Excerpt from Aug. 11, 2009 Edition of The Jerusalem Post:
Jesus’ PDA Found In Cave!
It’s true! Rejoice in His name! A long lost ancient PDA found in a cave on the shores of the Dead Sea retaining fragments of tweets made by whom experts arguably agree is likely Jesus Christ. The 2000 year old PDA was uncovered by a very resourceful, little know archaelogist named Lou C. Phair, from the Infernal Institute Of Unnatural History during an 18-month expedition yielding little result until a serendipitous personal “accident” led to the uncovering of a cave which just happened to have housed the priceless relic for two millenia.
“This discovery throws into doubt the whole history of scientific progress & archaic mythology that man out of step with technology & progress. The Messiah was a hip leader very much in touch with His followers!” stated the archaeologist at a press conference held in Tel Aviv last Thursday. Theologists from around the world flocked to gleam new knowledge from this very important discovery & discuss what profound impact this may have on Christianity, and the theological world altogether.
Twitter users the world over rejoiced at the news, believing it to be a message that resonated through the ages from Jesus to His flock in their preferred mode of communication.

Says Cindy Lou Jennings of St. Louis, MO: “Jesus is back! And of course he would tweet about it! He’s Jesus! He can do anything! This is His way of saying Y’all get ready, cuz I’m taking y’all home! Woohoo! Praise the Lord!”

Technicians were able to retrieve a sizable portion of the messages, but more than 60% were indecipherable. Also, some were reportedly untranslatable from the original arimaic.

The following are the salvaged portions of the Messiah’s PDA:





@JosephOfNazareth Don’t tell me what to do! You aren’t my father!

@JohnTheBaptist Met a Samaritan woman at Jacob’s Well in Samaria. Everyone is so helpful here. 7 people offered me help the last hour alone!

@MaryM I’m cool with what you do. I’m not as judgmental as My Father. Wanna hang out, grab a pomegranate juice?

@JohnTheBaptist Tried my water to wine trick at a wedding in Cana. Went like gangbusters. The band singer didn’t show up so I filled in. Still got it.

@JohnTheBaptist Trying to figure out what else I can turn water into. This is so cool!

@JohnTheBaptist Accidently stepped on a nobleman’s hand with my heel as he was picking up a coin. Talk about an earful!

@JohnTheBaptist I can’t believe people tried to kill me in Nazareth! In a drive-by stoning! That town went downhill since my youth.

@AAGabriel Sometimes I really resent your ass!

@JohnTheBaptist I’m interested in this “ministry” of yours, cousin. What’s this, also, about this plan of yours to bury “dinosaur bones” to test the faithful?!

@VirginM Quittin’ carpentry to go full time at this ministry gig with cousin John. Less chance of falling on a nail! Lotsa luv!

@MaryM Fasting for 40 days & 40 nights in the desert. Will be thinking about you!

@Devil Nice try, buster!

@MaryM Doing a sermon on the Mount. Kind of nervous. If I lose them, I have a fallback plan of some really great knock knock jokes. Wish me luck.

@JohnTheBaptist Pithy parables don’t seem to be hitting the crowds like I had hoped. What do you think of this “rap” thing?

@JohnTheBaptist Will be preaching the next few days in Galilee & Perea. What do you think about taking on a side act of jugglers to bring in the crowds?

@Paul Who is this Brian fellow & why do I keep getting mistaken for him?

@Taxman Welcome to the team, Matthew.

@MaryM Sometimes I feel like my life could be a musical.

@SimonPeter, @AndrewBethsaida, @JamesTheGreater, @JohnSonOfThunder, @PhilipOfGalilee, @ElBarto, @Taxman, @TommyD, @JamesTheLess, @Thaddeus, @Zealotboy, @JIscariot Meeting tonight. Bring your suggestions for what we should call ourselves.

@SimonPeter, @AndrewBethsaida, @JamesTheGreater, @JohnSonOfThunder, @PhilipOfGalilee, @ElBarto, @Taxman, @TommyD, @JamesTheLess, @Thaddeus, @Zealotboy, @JIscariot No, our group may not be called the “Judean People’s Front”. Or the “People’s Front of Judea”. I don’t know why that amuses you all.

@SimonPeter I like to go up to a person next to an empty seat & ask “excuse me, but is this seat SAVED?” And they reply “ha! you’re so funny, Yeshua!”

@SimonPeter, @AndrewBethsaida, @JamesTheGreater, @JohnSonOfThunder, @PhilipOfGalilee, @ElBarto, @Taxman, @TommyD, @JamesTheLess, @Thaddeus, @Zealotboy, @JIscariot Okay, who took my Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch? That is NOT a toy!

@MaryM Left my favourite towel back in Turin. Remember washing face after mud mask but not packing it before we left. I’m sure it’ll turn up.

@God Are you sure I have weather control powers?!! I hope so if I’m to promise people I can calm the Sea of Galilee or I’ll come off as insane!

@God I have a sneaking suspicion that was all just pure coincidence. But, oh well, everyone looks pretty darn impressed!

@SimonPeter Jesus, I’m so bored. Wait… can I take my own name in vain?!

@MaryM Hey, sexay. What you doing? Is it something sexay sexay?

@God Cool! I can also raise the dead! So I’m a combination of wizard, cleric & necromancer, right?

@SimonPeter, @AndrewBethsaida, @JamesTheGreater, @JohnSonOfThunder, @PhilipOfGalilee, @ElBarto, @Taxman, @TommyD, @JamesTheLess, @Thaddeus, @Zealotboy, @JIscariot To the prankster who put a “kick me” sign on my back, my ass is sore thanks to you. Thought I was just really unpopular in Beersheba.

@JIscariot Met with a couple of eunuchs today. We had a ball.

@JamesTheLess You’re it!

@MaryM Tell crowd about 2 stone a girl “who is without sin cast the 1st stone” & this woman picks up a huge rock, throws it at her. I’m like “Mom!”

@Paul Turned some tables at the Jewish temple. 3 Shekel Monte in a House of God? Have people no shame?!

@MaryM Hangin’ out at pool of Bethesda. Come swim with the lepers!

@KingHerod You killed my cousin, you bastard!

@God I feel so lost without cousin John. And he still owed me 30 shekels!

@God How am I gonna feed 5000 people with a hunk of bread & 2 fish?! I need some filler.

@God Hey, I’m walking on water! I love having superpowers! Mind you, this does explain why I have a hard time getting into the bathtub.

@SimonPeter Joke: Buddha buys loaf of bread with a gold piece & asks the vendor for his change. But vendor says “ah, but change must come from within”

@Zealotboy Zealots meeting tonight. Do you think one day zealots might be misconstrued as “fundamentalist nutjob”?

@MaryM Helped Judas move. Came across book entitled “How To Betray Your Friends For 33 Silver Pieces”. They have a How-To book for everything!

@Paul I fear that one day my followers will forget teachings on love, compassion & sacrifice & start persecuting one another based on semantics.

@JIscariot Yeah, we totally punk’d Peter, John, & James at the top of the mountain. Great job doing the voice of my Father!

@Paul Man, I love the gays. Don’t let me forget to write something good about them. Wouldn’t want people to think I was against them.

@SimonPeter, @AndrewBethsaida, @JamesTheGreater, @JohnSonOfThunder, @PhilipOfGalilee, @ElBarto, @Taxman, @TommyD, @JamesTheLess, @Thaddeus, @Zealotboy, @JIscariot Screw Tiberius Caesar. There, I said it!

@SimonPeter Joke: Why wasn’t I born in Rome? Because they couldn’t find 3 wise men & a virgin! Ha, I’m going to hell for that one!

@SimonPeter Joke: Why don’t buddhists vacuum in the corners? Because they don’t have attachments!

@SimonPeter Joke: What do you wish a hindu on his birthday? May you have many happy returns!

@SimonPeter One more: What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything!

@SimonPeter Fine, I won’t send you any more jokes. Lamer.

@JohnTheGreater Just watch. The Sadducees are gonna totally screw me over someday.

@MaryM What do you say we this baby a secret? Protect the bloodline, yaddi yadda. I’m thinking it could make for great conspiracy fodder later on.

@VirginM The guys are taking me out to a ‘last supper’. I think Mary put someone up to this idea of a diet & I’m going to call out the traitor.

@JIscariot WTF, dude!!!!? I trusted you! Oh, I am SOOO mad at you! We’re gonna have a little talk. Btw, wicked camel breath! Man, I’m so pissed off!

@SimonPeter You totally took off that guard’s ear with that sword! Good thing I healed it. Btw, we’re pacifists. Did you not get the memo?

@JIscariot Been charged with sedition by the Roman Empire. Did I mention you suck?

@God I’m next to be “flogged”. Now would be a good time to use your great omniscient powers & do something.

@God Helllooooo? Earth to God. Do something!

@God I’m so not impressed with you. Yeah, this will really teach everyone a lesson!

@God Okay, after they’re through flogging me, they’ll probably let me go. Right?

@God Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

@God They’re gonna WHAT?! Crucify me?!! The flogging wasn’t enough for them?! Holy hell, I should have just stayed a carpenter!

@God This is just a very very very bad dream. I swear that when I wake up I’m going to move to Damascus & open up a deli. Screw missionary work!

@JIscariot Having a great time, wish you were here.

@JIscariot That was my first ever use of sarcasm. I’m so not happy with you right now. But I forgive you. It’s what I do.

@God I have to drag my own crucifix?! While being whipped?!! Who thinks up these things?

@God Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

@God Not able to text right now, having a follower do it. Of course you know that. You can see what they did to your Only Son. Great job, pops.

@God I guess this is it, huh?

@God Psalm 22, Father. Psalm freakin’ 22!

@God It is finished…


@SimonPeter, @AndrewBethsaida, @JamesTheGreater, @JohnSonOfThunder, @PhilipOfGalilee, @ElBarto, @Taxman, @TommyD, @JamesTheLess, @Thaddeus, @Zealotboy, @JIscariot, @MaryM, @VirginM, @JosephOfNazareth The J Man is in da house of God y’all. Word up!

@Paul Say, which way to Emmaus from here?

All text (c) Copyright 2009 Private Pinko/G. Brogan

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