Pvt. Pinko's Parade Of Parody


Kermit The Frog On “Being A Jew”

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Hi, ho! Kermit the Frog here. Shalom! 

 

Today I’d like to talk to you, boys & girls, about being a Jew.

 

Being a Jew is wonderful! There are many special things about our culture & practices!

 

Judaism is a very ancient religion with a very very rich heritage. It’s followers live all around the world. And there are about 100 different types of Jews: Orthodox Hasidic diamond merchant jews, Ashkenaz, Sephardim, Jews who watch John Stewart , and even goyim who pretend to be one of us! 

 

Sure, there’s been persecution. Let’s be frank, a LOT of persecution. But we get a lot of holidays! I think that’s a good deal. And Jews love a good deal! Let’s just say you can get a Jew’s attention with a book of coupons!

 

Also, we’re always neck deep in cheesecake & blintzes! And Matzo balls! We Jews love to nosh. Jews are always thinking of when & where they’ll be eating next! And HOW they’ll be eating! Like my Bubbeh always says: don’t blame me, we’re a picky people! 

 

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It can take a bit getting used to keeping kosher. Kosher means that you must respect G-d’s boundaries set aside for you. There are things you can’t eat or can’t do. You must cook things just right. You can’t eat certain things. These are observed in honour of G-d as prescribed by the Talmud. It’s one reason I don’t schtup Miss Piggy anymore. Gotta keep kosher. 

 

You’ll also get to wear silly hats, like this one I’m wearing called a yarmulke. If you don’t wear this to Temple, you’ll get such a kvetching from your mother.

 

Jews often speak in a funny-sounding language with it’s own alphabet that has no vowels! Perhaps that is why there is no Jewish Wheel of Fortune! 

 

You’ll find this conversation happens quite often among goy, or non-Jews:

 

““Mchh Mchh Mcht, Chht Chht Mchht…”

 

“Hey! You speak fluent Hebrew!”

 

“What? No, i’m just clearing my throat!”

 

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There are many ways you can become Jewish. You can be born Jewish; or marry a Jew & convert for that person; or just walk into a temple and go up to a rabbi and have the following conversation:

 

“Excuse me, Rabbi?”

 

“What now? Can’t you see i’m busy? I need an interruption like a hole in the head! Oy!”

 

“Rabbi, i wish to become Jewish!” 

 

“Well, why didn’t you say so?! I won’t get all megillah on you. Here’s a pamphlet on becoming Hebrew, a Yiddish phrase book, a dreidel and a yarmulke. Classes are tomorrow… and remember to always keep Shabbos. Oy, you must never forget to keep Shabbos!” 

 

Oh, Shabbos is a day where you can’t do anything. Apparently, it’s G-d’s will. Say, if your oven breaks down, you can’t even fix it! Lazy people LOVE Shabbos. Productive people…um…not so much! There is a whole industry of inventors who build machines that help Jews deal with Shabbos! 

 

We Jews are nothing if not resourceful! Trust me, my mother once beat me with a chicken to within an inch of my life for forgetting Shabbos!

 

——————-

 

As a Jew, you’ll read from the Torah, the first 5 books of the Old Testament, one of the elements of the Tanakh. It’s our version of the Old Testament in the Bible. Well, what about the New Testament, you ask? Eh, not so much. You might have heard that Jesus was, in fact, a Jew. Now the Christians, they conveniently leave that part out. But it’s true, Jesus was a heeb. He was a very popular young Jew with a lot of his own ideas back in his day & the elder Jews, well, if there’s one thing a group of old Jews detest it’s a popular young Jew with ideas of his own. Azoy gait es! But anyway, Jews don’t really touch the New Testament. 

 

To be a Jew means you are one of God’s Chosen, a Child of Israel. That should be worth something, yes? Well, a very long time ago, back before we left Egypt, we Jews hauled boulders for the Pharroah’s pyramids until we were kaput. And for what? A palmful of salt and a slice of unleavened bread! We realized that if we were ever going to be able to quit with the hard labour and move to something a little more white collar, we’d have to do something about it! And do something about it we did! We hired a guide to take us to the Promised Land & he led us through the desert for 40 years in something called the “Exodus”! And that guide’s name was Moses. Was he worth the 20 sheckels? That’s to be debated! I kid, of course, for Moses is the greatest of our prophets. Without Moses, we might have ended up Mormon!

 

But we Jews did find the Promised Land! 

 

Then, one day, Moses went up Mount Sinai & the received the Ten Commandments from G-d. By taking these tablets (and those later picked up in Mt. Horeb), we Jews became bound by a Covenant, a contract between men & G-d. These tablets were then placed in an elaborate container made of gold called the Ark of the Covenant. Not a good thing to go near if you’re a Nazi. Now the final resting place of the Ark is unknown! Honest!

 

Since the time of Moses, Jews have tried their very best to live their lives according to G-d’s laws. Even arguing among themselves every day about what those laws are. If there’s one thing a Jew loves, it’s interpretting G-d’s will. And usually that will is interpreted as having to do with making a Jew’s life harder. Jews are often racked with guilt! And a Jew without guilt? Chas v’cholileh! Well, he might as well be Catholic!

 

The Promised Land is also known as Israel. It is a Holy place with Jerusalem as our Holiest of cities. It’s where you’ll find the “Wailing Wall”. Because if there’s one thing Jews love, it’s to get all ver clempt in public. Very special to us, believe you me. Well, to the Palestinians too, but hey, they don’t have the United States in their pocket like we do! One could say Israel can get away with anything these days! But is that a good thing?

 

You might notice that I say G-d. It’s because we can’t use G-d’s real name (FYI: add a “o”). So often you’ll hear a Jew bang his head & say “G-ddamn, that smarts!” 

 

 

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It’s not easy being green. It’s also not easy being green & Jewish in Nazi Germany. I’ve recently read a diary left behind by my great zeyde, Helmut the Frog. Crushing. So crushing. He was flattened by an SS personnel cruiser, you know. Ay-yay-yay! 

 

Many Jews, and Jewish frogs like me, have had family – lots & lots of family – perish in the ghettos and extermination camps during the Shoah, that’s the Holocaust. 6 million Jews were killed. Although some claim that the number is zero. What Hootzpah! Oooh, the nerve! And those people are what any sensible individual would call a moron! Anyway, some revolted against their captors! There are always stories that history has forgotten or never gets told. I will be correcting this very terrible oversight in our next movie, a sequel to the ever popular The Muppets Take Auschwitz! Move over Shindler’s List!

 

inglorious muppets

 

Since the Shoah, Jews were resolved to return to their once Promised Land & the nation of Israel was created in 1948 entirely for us! 

 

Albeit, the Arabs were not very thrilled with that idea. Especially the Palestinians, who’s land we took over. Let’s just say it didn’t sit well with the rest of the neighbourhood. It’s been a very rough sixty years! 

 

Now some Jews have been happy just having a piece of land to call our own, but other Jews weren’t happy with just that, so they came up with something called Zionism. 

 

Zionism is a movement that believes there should be a Greater Israel, with the aim of annexing more & more territory for Jews, nevermind how immoral or impractical or idiotic. A lot of Jews fail to see the irony in this, considering what the Nazis thought about annexing more & more territory for Germans. Currently, Zionism is stomping around the Middle East like a giant out-of-control foreign policy G-dzilla, only actually armed with nuclear weapons. Many are not too happy with this either. Iran most of all! And that is why Israel wants to bomb Iran. Because it it’s one thing Israel hates, it’s Iran. Likewise for Iran.

 

But what are they going to do? If you bitch about Israel, well, you’re just an anti-semite! 

 

Oy vey! 

 

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You’ve probably heard of a “self-hating Jew”. Now a self-hating Jew is an mean thing to say about (and mainly by) Jews, which suggests a hatred of one’s Jewish identity or ancestry. The term is generally considered equivalent to “Uncle Tom” in the Black community, or “Uncle Owen” in the Star Wars fan community.

 

But, don’t worry, being Jewish is so hip nowadays. There are Jewish magazines like Heeb or beer pubs like Hebrewskis! And movie stars! Natalie Portman, for example, is one gorgeous & very happening Jew! And Adam Sandler is so funny! Who doesn’t like Adam Sandler? Did you see Happy Gilmore? I tell you, that was one funny movie! I still often turn to Fozzie during poker night & say “the price is right, bitch!” Yuk yuk yuk.

 

Still there remains trouble for the Jew. We get blamed for almost everything. Apparently we run the world! Well, there’s only a bit of truth to those rumours…

 

Jews do run Hollywood. It’s true! It’s only natural… we invented schmaltz! See, when Jews migrated from Europe to California, they had a lot of money to invest. And Jews love to entertain! We especially love to entertain notions! But notions don’t pay as well! Yuk yuk yuk. Anyway, Jews built studios, many of which exist to this day. Also, many actors & directors, producers & directors are Jewish! Steven Spielberg is a very well known Jew. A good friend! He even once considered making E.T. hasidic, but sadly that didn’t fly with the test audience. 

 

Other famous Jews are Kyle Broflovski in the show South Park & Dr. Zoigberg in Futurama.

 

And me!

 

——————-

 

As a Jew, you’ll become a practitioner of the martial art of Jewdo! It’s a form of self-defense based on talking one’s way out of a tight spot. Yuk yuk yuk!

 

——————-

 

When we are born, us boys get what you call a briss. That’s where they perform a circumcision. It is the process whereby a rabbi, thinking he’s a doctor, will removed the “packaging” from your schmekel. Since I don’t wear pants, you can clearly see that I’m quite Jewish!

 

When we grow up & become adults, we celebrate with a bar mitzvah! If you’re a girl, they’re called bat mitzvahs! There is usually a theme. When I was still a tadpole, the theme of my bar mitvah was France. Didn’t go over so well with the folks…no. (FYI: they eat frogs!) 

 

Finally, there’s a stereotype that Jews are always pinchy with their money. And all i can say to that is that I am swimming in green! 

 

I hope you enjoyed this lesson in being a Jew, boys & girls. I look forward to seeing you all in Temple!

 

And always remember: Time’s fun when you’re having flies! 

 

Shalom! 

 

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(Disclaimer: The preceeding parody was certainly not intended, in any way, to demean or disrespect either Jews or Arabs, or to trivialize the suffering & atrocities committed at Auschwitz-Birkenau. This was strictly a humble exercise in humour, intended to elicit laughter, as to the culture, history & foibles of the Jewish people. And the author reserves the right to criticize Israeli policies, namely that refered to here as “zionism”, in a manner wholly distinct & without connection to, or reflection towards, Judaism and the Jewish people. In short: Don’t bother trying to accuse the author of anti-semitism, you putz!)

 

All text (c) Copyright 2009 Private Pinko/G. Brogan

 



2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Nice one……

Comment by Kermit

Very funny,, I miss being a Jew,,,

Comment by Vince




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