Pvt. Pinko's Parade Of Parody

Signs That The Zombie Apocalypse Is Here!
 title zombie
The flashing road sign reads “Caution: Zombies Ahead!”

The weather forecast calls for mild, overcast skies & bloodshed!

The telemarketing firm that harasses you every single day has stopped calling!

The mail has stopped coming altogether!

Your boss calls up everyone for a staff meeting & hands out shotguns!

The local church’s weekly sign blurb has been changed to “Happy End Times! He has risen…and brought an army!”

You notice that the paramedics are now armed!

A bunch of people run past you as fast as they can, screaming “Run for your lives!!!”

You read somewhere that the “Zombie Survival Guide” is #1 on the New York Times’ Bestseller List!

Helicopters are flying overhead with snipers on board!

Your realize that your local supermarket has been totally cleaned out!

The PA systems squawk to life with the sound of someone in authority: “Your attention, please. Your city is now a Quarantine Zone. Do not move beyond the designated enclosed areas or you will be shot! Thank you for your co-operation. Have a nice day!”

It appears that Martial Law has been declared! That might explain why the city is crawling with military personnel carriers, tanks & howitzers!

The Emergency Response Briefing broadcast live by the head of your country goes like this: “We’re all screwed. Bar your doors. Hugs your kids. Good luck. I’m out of here!”

The Quarantine Zone soup line is passing out flyers with titles like “Surviving In A Hostile Pre-Industrial Wilderness”, “Know Your Zombies” and “Karate & Other Self-Defense Techniques Found Ineffective On The Undead”!

Everyone is dressed up as zombies, except it’s not Halloween…okay, that isn’t makeup… and that really IS your cable guy on the ground with his guts being eaten!

The only things on TV are the Emergency Broadcast Signal…and COPS!

Outside in your front yard, you find the paperboy eating the cat!

Someone stops in front of your house and asks “Say…you wouldn’t happen to have a chainsaw or axe I can borrow?”

Your very odd neighbour has invited himself over… for dinner… which means you… served rare!

The cops are running AWAY from a mob of people!

A friend from work drops by and says that, in exchange for staying securely in your basement shelter, you can have his wife & daughter!

Every time you approach a door, you now have to yell out: “Don’t shoot, it’s just me!”

Cars are abandoned everywhere in the streets, making driving slightly more difficult than a Monday morning commute!

You realize that noone is listening to their iPods!

The local hospital has been cordoned off & set on fire!

Your dog has long stopped barking and has dug a hole in the backyard halfway to China!

It’s 8am on a weekday…and the Tim Horton’s is empty!
(***Warning: This sign will only be understood by Canadians!***)

There are police cars blocking the streets and they’re not looking for drunk drivers, they’re emptying their guns into anyone with the slightest imbalance!

Suddenly, owning a Hummer doesn’t make you a pariah!

You order a slice of pizza from the distracted goth girl working the Sbarro counter at the Food Court, and she tries to take a bite of your arm!

What is supposed to be the news update on the radio consists of nothing but the sound of noisy eating!

Religious nuts are running around crying, screaming “….No! No! No! This is all wrong!”

The mall is full of zombies…and it’s not even Christmas!

You thought you’d never live to see the horizon lit up with napalm again!

The gun nuts are all smiles and saying things like “Alright! It’s open season on society!”

You overhear teens saying “Hey, we should stay in groups of four…like in ‘Left 4 Dead'”!

Your very odd neighbour, spurned but not defeated, has struck up his BBQ… and is cooking a nice big steak… that used to be his wife! He winks at you!

People are trying really, really hard to gnaw at your neck!

Someone says “Oh my God, this is just like 28 Days Later!”


All text (c) Copyright 2009 Private Pinko/G. Brogan


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