Pvt. Pinko's Parade Of Parody


The Truth Behind Brand Slogans 2
truth2 

Horrors upon horrors! Catching the ghoulish fever of sequelitis, we threw together some brains & spare parts and flipped the evil electrical switch on this most unholy creation & set it loose upon our unsuspecting civilization!!! Run for your lives!!! It lives!!! It lives!!!

Bwahahahahahaha!

Hahahahaha!

Hahaha…

Ha…

Ahem.

Seriously, we strongly caution you hide the young ad executives in your household from these terrifying revelations!!!

Enjoy the slogan bloodshed!!!!

——-

The Culprit: Sure
The Slogan: “Raise Your Hand If You’re Sure”
The Truth: The Nazis seemed pretty Sure too

——-

The Culprit: Heinz
The Slogan: “Beanz Meanz Heinz”
The Truth: Und Heinz meanz fartz

——-

The Culprit: Heineken
The Slogan: “Heineken Refreshes The Parts Other Beers Cannot Reach”
The Truth: You heard us…stick it up your ass!

——-

The Culprit: Nintendo Wii
The Slogan: “Wii Would Like To Play”
The Truth: But if it were up to Mii, Wii would kill you all

——-

The Culprit: Sprite
The Slogan: “Obey Your Thirst”
The Truth: Promoting the tyranny of beverage addiction since 1961

——-

The Culprit: Meow Mix
The Slogan: “Tastes So Good Cats Ask For It By Name”
The Truth: If you only knew the hiss-tory behind this purr-fect lie

——-

The Culprit: Volkswagen
The Slogan: “Drivers Wanted”
The Truth: Single VW ISO outgoing FS NS BHMs to take me out & floor me. Possible LTR. BMWs need not apply. Box 356.

——-

The Culprit: Subway
The Slogan: “Eat Fresh”
The Truth: The only thing fresh is the bread and, sorry, we’re fresh out of those today

——-

The Culprit: FTD (Interflora)
The Slogan: “Say It With Flowers”
The Truth: And she’ll say, what did you do wrong?!

——-

The Culprit: Reebok
The Slogan: “I Am What I am”
The Truth: That’s right! Popeye!

——-

The Culprit: Kellogg’s Rice Krispies
The Slogan: “Snap! Crackle! Pop!”
The Truth: Sorry about the Osteoporosis

——-

The Culprit: Pepsi
The Slogan: “Ask For More”
The Truth: Go ahead, ask away, Oliver Twist

——-

The Culprit: Burger King
The Slogan: “Home of the Whopper”
The Truth: aka House of the Outrageous Lie

——-

The Culprit: Mentos
The Slogan: “The Freshmaker”
The Truth: Does not actually make anything “fresh”

——-

The Culprit: DeBeers
The Slogan: “Diamonds Are Forever”
The Truth: And, hopefully, our exploitation of the African people will be too

——-

The Culprit: Clairol
The Slogan: “Does she… or doesn’t she?”
The Truth: And if she does… we’ll take sloppy seconds

——-

The Culprit: Air Canada
The Slogan: “You And I Were Meant To Fly”
The Truth: And I was meant to get lots of government money & still turn around and gouge your ass with sky high fees

——-

The Culprit: Merrill Lynch
The Slogan: “Merrill Lynch Is Bullish On America”
The Truth: That’s a typo. It’s supposed to say “bullshit”

——-

The Culprit: Raid Insect Spray
The Slogan: “Kills Bugs Dead”
The Truth: Poisons kids good

——-

The Culprit: Tango
The Slogan: “You Know When You’ve Been Tango’d”
The Truth: “You know when you’ve been f*cked over” was already taken

——-

The Culprit: Toyota
The Slogan: “Moving You Forward”
The Truth: Our overpriced premier ad agency also did these oh so brilliant slogans: “Maxwell House – Making The Coffee” and “Bell – Phoning It In”

——-

The Culprit: Perrier
The Slogan: “Perfect Anytime”
The Truth: Yes, anytime youze dwink zee bubbly water, we laugh at youze Yankee peegs. Perfect, non?

——-

The Culprit: Barq’s Root Beer
The Slogan: “Barq’s Has Bite”
The Truth: And, apparently, consumes whole turds from the taste of it. Woof.

——-

The Culprit: Dr. Pepper
The Slogan: “Just What The Doctor Ordered”
The Truth: Yeah, LESS Dr. Pepper!

——-

The Culprit: Forbes
The Slogan: “Capitalist Tool”
The Truth: Oh, we’re capitalist tools alright

——-

The Culprit: Gillette
The Slogan: “Look Sharp, Feel Sharp”
The Truth: Our blades? Not so sharp

——-

The Culprit: Glad Garbage Bags
The Slogan: “Don’t Get Mad! Get Glad!”
The Truth: When you need to dispose of your wife’s body, Glad is your friend

——-

The Culprit: Taco Bell
The Slogan: “Think Outside The Bun”
The Truth: Oh yeah, your body will be thinking “explosive diarrhea”

——-

The Culprit: Secret Deodorant
The Slogan: “Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman”
The Truth: Soooo… essentially it’s ideal for a post-op transgendered person

——-

The Culprit: Crest Toothpaste
The Slogan: “Look, Ma, No Cavities!”
The Truth: Look, Ma, this books says Fluoride was once used by Nazis in the water for prisoner pacification!

——-

The Culprit: American Express
The Slogan: “Membership Has Its Privileges”
The Truth: But it doesn’t give you any damn consumer rights, peon

——-

The Culprit: Maybelline Cosmetics
The Slogan: “Maybe She’s Born With It, Maybe It’s Maybelline”
The Truth: Maybe she was born with that defect, maybe it was caused by Maybelline’s manufacturers dumping chemicals over the years

——-

The Culprit: Burger King
The Slogan: “Wake Up To The King”
The Truth: This is the part where you scream

——-

The Culprit: Electrolux
The Slogan: “Nothing Sucks Like An Electrolux”
The Truth: Unless Ann Coulter starts eating carpet, know what i mean?

——-

The Culprit: Miller Beer
The Slogan: “It’s Miller Time!”
The Truth: Which means you’re probably beating your wife again in a violent, drunken haze because you ran out of beer, you Trans Am driving, truck hatted, mullet wearing assclown

——-

The Culprit: Milk Board (USA)
The Slogan: “Got Milk?”
The Truth: Got “Bovine growth hormone & bloody puss filled” milk?

——-

The Culprit: Mountain Dew
The Slogan: “Do The Dew!”
The Truth: Meatloaf one said he’d do anything for love, but he won’t Dew that

——-

The Culprit: Molson Canadian (Molson Brewery)
The Slogan: “I Am Canadian”
The Truth: This beer should come with a little toque & galoshes. Ours is a polite, inoffensive beer that can best settle heated arguments between American & other international beers; can be taken after an American beer in order to take off the edge; long term usage may result in jumping in a canoe & attempting to cross Lake Superior, shaking your penis at passing supertankers


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