Pvt. Pinko's Parade Of Parody

The Dick Commandments

A man must have rules. For man is a craven beast, full of lusts, wants & other peccadillos. Since women are not allowed to tether men to a leash, make them wear horse blinders, shoot them with tranquilizer darts, or force them to undergo a frontal lobotomy…since God has given man free will, much to His chagrin…since the universe presents countless inescapable temptations at every turn…man must have laws to live by. More so, rules for wayward peckers. Commandments, if you will.

Found among the first drafts of the Book of Exodus, it is finally revealed how Moses was called back to Mount Sinai after being given the first set of commandments. Whereby God tells him “hey, almost forgot…you’re gonna need these, too” and presented Moses with a second set of tablets heretofore known as “The Dick Commandments”…


Thou shall not expect to meet a woman who will worship thy dick. It is just not going to happen. Be grateful that she shows even the slightest interest.

Thou shall not make countless graven images in the likeness of a dick, or “penis doodles”. Unless thou art prepared to deal with the fact that thou art not straight. However, it is perfectly allowed if thou are making them on thy friend while he’s passed out drunk. With permanent marker.

Thou shall not use a vacuum cleaner hose on thy johnson. If this is unclear, speak with a paramedic as to why.

Thou shall always be careful when rezipping. Secure & inspect beforehand.

Thou shall be wary of splashback when using a urinal. Better yet, don’t use a urinal! The person who designed urinal stalls side by side with no dividers was a repressed homosexual with a penchant for voyeurism. Thou shall use a toilet.

Thou shall not streak sporting events when older than 30.

Thou shall not expose thyself to strangers while wearing a trenchcoat.

Thou shall put down the toilet seat when not in use. Unless it’s in a men’s washroom.

Thou shall get circumsized. No, thou does not have to be Jewish.

Thou shall wash often. For failure to do so with bring about evil most foul.

Thou shall not pierce thy dick. Ow. What is wrong with thou?!

Thou shall never turn down a decent hand job. Happy ending!

Thou shall learn to be handy with a vibrator. Thou wishes your partner to learn to give better head? It is only fair that thou must learn to use more than one tool.

Thou shall not encourage a dog with peanut butter.

Thous shall respect thy equipment. Thou must not use the “death grip” for, over time, it shall lose its glorious lifeforce.

Thou shall never kick another man in the groin. Only a woman defending herself (or as proxy) may ever dispatch violence in such a manner. It is written.

Thou shall observe decorum when wearing shorts. Do not allow a stray “nut” to cause unpleasant distraction to others. Even more so if thou are a senior.

Thou shall never attempt autoerotic asphyxiation. Interest in this matter would indicate that thy basic masturbation techniques are poor and that thy lack common sense.

Thou shall keep trim the hedge. Offend noone with thy “wildbush”.

Thou shall remember the motto of all dick owners: vidi vini (“I saw, I came”)

Thou shall masturbate often. Keep that machine primed like a Formula 1 racer, not an abandoned K-car left in the driveway to rot. Hence the phrase “use it or lose it”.

Thou shall not use the phrase “are thou pulling my dick?” with a female. Express only in the company of thy buddies.

Thou shall not wear a merkin, or pubic wig. For it is an abomination.

Thou shalt honour thy mother & father by never ever letting them catch thou masturbating.

Thou shall get it through thy head the following facts: the average size of a human penis is 5.5 inches. The longest measured penis is 12 inches. With the unique exception of legendary porn star John Holmes at a supposed (but unverified) 13 inches. Anything else larger is a prosthetic.

Thou shall realize that angry people are most likely well below 5.5 inches.

Thou shall give up all hope of reenacting porn film scenes. If these things happened in real life, there wouldn’t be a need for porn films. Same with romantic films. We all eventually face a stark realization that these things are futile pursuits.

Thou shalt not steal another man’s porn.

Thou shall not insist that dicks are only for making babies

Thou shall write thy name in the snow

Thou shall not watch films of “chick with dicks”. Unless thou art prepared to admit to thyself that thou art likely gay or, more likely, bisexual.

Thou shall not give a woman a “dick in a box” unless thou wishes it to be it regifted to thou as a “foot in thy ass”.

Thou shall never purchase a “pussy pump”. For it is an abomination.

Thou shall not believe in advertisements or spam that promises that one can add inches to thy manhood.

Thou shall never tell someone to “respect the cock”. Tom Cruise only gets away with saying that to Katie Holmes because he forced her to join a cult in order to brainwash her long enough to worship his mangina.

Thou shall not tell everyone to “suck thy dick”. Show some class. Save it for request night with the mistress.

Thou shall never, ever hit a woman. Thou shall deserve it if she snips it off during the night & throws it into a field to be found by a dog and reattached half chewed.

Thou shall not gamble by not wearing thy rubber when enjoying casual sex. For thy would be an idiot.

Thou shall never allow a woman to know that thou has named thy cock.

Thou shall learn the following euphemisms and use each at least once:

Cock, the man katana, the hairy banjo, the zesty zucchini, the engorged enchilada, heat seeking moisture missile, the big oak tree in the bush, Sgt. Seven Inches, the purple headed yoghurt slinger, love torpedo, the Bald Bandoleer, wood, love gun, soldier of love, flesh marine, beef bazooka, telephone pole, the cyclops, the Admiral, the maypole, the shaft, wang, trouser snake, choad, prick, johnson, weiner, middle leg, dork, dong, the mighty mighty, meatlog, knob, stick, private, cricket bat, Sir Lance-a-lot, the old hockey stick, Big Jake the One Eyed Snake, cherry picker, pecker, pocket rocket, tallywhacker, purple helmet warrior, Uncle Wiggly, Old Blind Bob, girl-o-meter, love whistle, screwdriver, jack in the box, the wild bologna pony, the package, the unit, the power drill, the tool, “it”, summer sausage, the rooster, John Thomas, Harry Wang, jackhammer, frankfurter, noodle, joystick, the Schwartz (Spaceballs reference), the Louisville Slugger, Harry Potter’s magic wand, schlong, lollipop, johnny rocket, monkey, one eyed wonder lizard, meat thermometer, meatsicle, long wong, long dong silver, meat puppet, donut puncher, phack stick, boa constrictor, frank n’ beans, ding dong, baloney gun, douger, porksword, jink, chost, doinkle, whanger, ham, corn dog, clute, twig & berries, lincoln log, sparky, the midget, junior, dib, twinkletoy, kelbassa, mini-me, the goo gun, phallus, doodle, love fist, the hooded knight, hoo hoo dilly, the Devirginator, the big cigar, leviathan, manhood, the Anal Avenger, Capt. Colossus, the chinaman, the dragon, Santa’s little helper, Vlad the Impaler, the on switch, the lady bait, the little tiki god, jawbreaker, wonderworm, the House of Pain, Mr. Happy, Squirmy, lightsaber, the rammer, python of love, mayo machine, General Genitals, the ship’s mast, flagpole, longfellow, mike goodfellow, the Embiggenator, zipper trout, Sauron’s finger, the Sperminator, the beholder, Free Willie, fuckstick, dildo, the Divining Rod O’ Fun, fudge stirrer, womb raider, the milk man, the spunk spitter, Ol’ One Eye, Morgan the Love Organ, wedding tackle, Mr. Anonymous, taint tickler, chicko stick, weasel, kidney cracker, Santa’s South Pole, the mighty mongoose, pork sword, skin flute, whopper, the hand banana, little german soldier, wenus, love rocket, j-bar, crotch cobra, manroot, wick, giggle stick, todger, dingus, tripod, McBeef, weapon of ass destruction, peewee, winky, quiver bone, cave dweller, love goblin, sex machine, Nessie the Loch Ness Monster, the thigh spreader, nether rod, weenus, whoopie stick, babymaker, love fist, dagger, tail, tooth chipper, Capt. Jack Sparrow, totem, the trojan horse, Winston, Texas toothpick, the main vein, bonersville, the mule, El Grande, tube steak, the denture cleaner, the old man, stick shift, the short arm, the Big Dog, morning glory, the beaver patrol, womb broom, tall tommy, the stiff one, salamander, pirate of men’s pants (Gilbert & Sullivan reference), hard on, boner, Willy Wonka & the oompa loompas, mancrank, the baby batter super soaker, anaconda, tootsie roll, bozo, the jizz juggler, ramrod, the Great Adventurer Of Hairy Caverns, erection, gorilla arm, Hairy Houdini, schwanzstucker (Young Frankenstein reference), the stealthy spelunker, the Towering Tonsil Tickling Tzar of Thunder, pork plow, third leg, Mr. Winkie, manatee, the pussy ripper, schmeckle, vagina finder, the human howitzer, the beatstick, woohoo, the hog, the state of the art laser guided muscle, the Eyeful Tower, Mr. Lucky, the death star, pennywhistle, sperm worm, the man pipe, the 6 Million Dollar Man Missile, pisser, little aztec warrior, the Hairy Ninja, diamond cutter, pudding slinger, the randy rectal range rifle, Lt. Leansleft, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the growth, the Vicar of Vulvas, Godzilla, Constable Cochrane, the hooded warrior, the Governor, the Thing, Rumple Foreskin, the sceptre of power, Mr. Bone, Dr. Dangle, the gagmaker, Mr. Choke, the chicken, private, the horn, the man from down under, boabie, the creature from the deep, junk, jimmy, hot dog, hot beef injection, the Hidden, fur seeking meat bomb, Fatboy Slim, Thor’s hammer, Egon’s proton pack (with neutrona wand & charged particle accelerator), Jizzuz Christ, the Javelin o’ Triumph, the First Penis, dude piston, the drunk girls’ breathalizer, the butterchurn, the devil’s clarinet, little general, the carrot, the Trumpet o’ Seduction, the trusty fishing pole, love muscle, lingam, the tromboner, the saxman, drumstick, the magician, the Mad Hatter, the friendly ferret, the Prophet of Pleasure, beef whistle, beaver cleaver, monkeybone, the Bishop, Eveready, St. Peter, bush beater, Officer Horny, bumrod, King Kock, the stump, the hose, boy’s best friend, the Spectacular Spire of Sexification, jack hammer, gnash masher, boyparts, the magic beanstalk, butt buster, the icebreaker, bratwurst, blue veined custard chucker, Dear Leader, dork, the funky headhunter, the club of queens, the Clit Commander, corn cob, the DJ, the mutt, the giant giraffe of Ghana, pud, the pink turtle, bitchsplitter, the dirty hobbit, my precious, cuttlefish of Cthulhu, big daddy, the family jewels, clit clipper, sperm pump, skin flute, the Hump Master, the cervix inspector, the hair zamboni, turkish delight, personal coat hanger, the love harpoon, the Bitch Fucker 3000, Slappy, the M60, the hot poker, the cum cannon, cucumber, cuddly little buddy, the public enemy, the little tyrant, Moby Dick, Number One, slim jim, the littlest hobo, boomer, the Evil One, the dictator, Ol’ Mushroom Head, Thumper, the stabby thingie, Little Elvis, the beef tamale, the butt miner, the party starter, schmuck, the Deep Core Penetrator Deluxe, Darth Penis the Dark Lord of the Unzipped, the big pickle, nozzle, the club, dingaling, the pink torpedo, 2 turntables and a microphone, the Maestro, meat gerkin, master of the ‘gina, prick, the little private eye, boomstick, the girl tracker, Ol’ Horny Toad, Agent 007 Inches, meat popsicle, Sturm und wang, cranny ax, Woody Woodpecker, the cheesemaker, the president, the prime minister, an ICBM, the big cheese, peepee, the Boss, the Pimp, the big kahuna, the Don, Big Poppa, Stanley The Power Tool, shizzle, the putter, creamsicle, the Colonel, the Invader, Maurice the Pompatous of Love, the man tackle, the ham trucheon, the vegetarian option, Mordac the Unholy


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