Pvt. Pinko's Parade Of Parody

The Passive Aggressive’s Guide To Surviving The Workplace!



Instead of impaling the hand of a rude, contemptuous customer to the counter with your pen, you might dribble some spit into their soy mocha latte. Sure, it’s petty, but so is a customer who thinks they’re entitled to badmouth you because their soy mocha latte is taking more than 30 seconds. And, besides, don’t they deserve that little extra? Extra foam it is, ma’am. Have a nice day.

Welcome to the world of passive aggression.

In our modern day corporate world, managers & owners seem to insist on making it absolutely clear that their subordinates must not enjoy a positive, empowering & nurturing work environment. They are almost entirely dedicated to losing valuable people, choking off creativity and negatively impacting their organization with insane policies & bureaucracy that would give M.C. Escher night sweats. They’ve gone out of their way to surround you with peers who were likely vetted & carefully chosen for their express probability in driving you up the wall. And, in addition, you’re made to deal with clients or customers who’s astounding idiocy & rudeness will inspire brutal revenge fantasies & make you question your once tenacious grip on reality. All this can easily & justifiably make any sensible homosapien completely cross-eyed with white-hot, impotent rage.

But what’s a thoroughly disenfranchised & dispirited corporate cog like you to do?

Thank the power of passive aggression!

Fact is, like most people, you’ve been conditioned to be either too nice or indecisive or afraid to get into a real confrontation with anyone. You’ll just take it. That is, until your boiling inner cauldron of unchecked rage instead manifests itself into what is known as ‘passive aggression’.

Now, contrary to popular thought, psychological research has shown that passive aggression can actually be a healthy alternative. Well, at least a healthy alternative to shooting up your office with a semiautomatic rifle! Honestly, when you’re staring back at the cruel, twisted visage of your sadistic corporate overlords, it might be your only option besides going totally postal, or worse, quitting & kissing goodbye your career while you’re still paying those goddamn student loans even after 12 years. That pervasively pessimistic attitude you’ve found yourself with instead of the naive hope & idealism you came into this job with? Those fuckers gave you that. Wear it like a badge instead of an anvil on a neckchain.

There is no need to crawl under your cubicle & curl up into the fetal position everytime you hear a rumour of layoffs. It really has nothing to do with how well you did your job.

Merely being passive-aggressive isn’t a disorder but a behavior — sometimes a perfectly rational behavior, which lets you dodge unpleasant chores or actions while completely avoiding confrontation. It’s only pathological if it’s a habitual, and it’s only habitual if you want to become promotion material & a key to the executive washroom.

Of course, you’re used to engaging in healthy interpersonal exchanges & making your feelings known in a calm, mature & professional fashion when wronged or slighted without resorting to screaming or violence.

However, this is the corporate world. The sooner you realize it the better that, if they COULD get away with it, they would have you dragged out to personel & given genital tasering for exceeding the printer ink quota. And for what? Because you got on someone’s bad side.

Passive aggression.

Foster a deep, underlying sense of anger and injustice but feel absolutely helpless to do anything about it?

That tic in your right eye says it’s time.

It’s time to fight back.


By adopting & embracing passive aggression, you’ll not only survive the workplace but also force management to finally recognize your potential and, ultimately, signal that you are ripe for promotion. Now if this concept seems a little strange to you, then you have neither observed management in action nor grasped the sheer cognitive dissonance & intransigence required to succeed in the corportate world. You’ll come to understand that the higher up the corporate hierachy you go, the greater the lack of sane, intelligent, well adjusted people.

And there’s a perfect reason for that.

The rich thrive while standing atop an enforcer class made up largely of shameless sycophants & craven opportunists. This lesser class of yes men & unrepentent assholes have made it their sacred duty to stand between their beloved upper class & sane, intelligent, well adjusted people like you. So if you’re really ambitious, then suffice it to say you’d better stop being sane, intelligent, and well adjusted. You are only holding yourself back.

Sucessful managers are, on the other hand, by their very nature notorious passive aggressives. Conversely, CEOs & powerful executives largely fall into the category of “sociopath”. Thus, habitual behaviour becomes acute psychological disorder.

Still confused?

Let’s begin with an example: To a logical person, the term “performance” would imply efficient methodology & a sound work ethic generating consistent results within given parameters. To management, however, “performance” means theatrics. A successful “performance” review dictates that subordinates should be kissing ass & groveling to keep their job. A poor “performance”, on the other hand, is usually given to confident & merit-based individuals who fail to provide even a modicrum of entertainment.

Did you think that this obsession with “productivity” & how they go about making sure they get plenty of it makes any sense? They’ll time your response times. They’ll time your breaks. They’ll time how long you’re in the bathroom. They’ll time your customer calls. They’ll record them for “quality assurance purposes”. They’ll monitor you. They’ll block the internet. They’ll have you come in when you’re sick as a dog. They’ll make you work during your lunch hour. They’ll hate you for taking vacation. They’ll guilt you for not working overtime without pay. They’ll outsource your job to India.

The bottom line of any office environment is the need to get things done. The need to produce things, things the customer wants and needs so the business can sell those things and make a profit. Most management has very little actual, positive effect on this.

If they were worried about real productivity, they wouldn’t be always trying to throw a wrench into your day any & every change they get. The main obstacle to your productivity is… them.

They really just want to break you inside. That’s what it’s all about.


So how can you use passive aggression in the workplace?

Passive aggression is the only way you’re going to be able to deal with your complete asswipe of a boss without stabbing him in the aorta with a letter opener. When you have that overwhelming desire to end his life, you’ll come to accept the zen of passive aggression.

Remember, also, that insincerity is the best way to hide your true feelings. For instance, if you are jealous of a co-worker’s promotion because she’s your boss’ new favourite, warmly congratulate her then make a mental note to make her suffer without leaving evidence.

Finally, here are a few tips on how to accomplish your newfound workplace passive aggression:

  • Drop a box of thumbtacks in your boss’ parking spot
  • At home, register your boss’ work email to an ungodly amount of porn spam
  • Hide crickets in the ceiling, it will drive your boss nuts
  • When he’s taking a female client or colleague out for lunch, anonymously call his wife & tell her he’s meeting his mistress. Give the location.
  • Copy your boss’ car key and have a duplicate made, then move his car a parking space down, doubling it every day
  • Wipe your ass with a tissue & then on your boss’ office keyboard & phone mouthpiece.
  • Put a little red hot chili pepper into his bottle of eye drops hidden in his desk
  • Your boss will stop micromanaging you if you start whistling the “Dueling Banjos” theme from Deliverance while you work
  • Reprogram your boss’ speed dial to numbers of local brothels
  • Anonymously hire a gay strip-o-gram for your boss during a visit from the V.P.
  • “Accidently” fire your stapler in your boss’ vicinity. Try aiming for his eyes.
  • Create an online singles ad for your boss’ teenage daughter using her picture & the heading “Gangbangin’ slut hungry for dicks”. Hack into your V.P’s email & send your boss a message that reads “hey, isn’t this your kid?”
  • Find out who in management is on a diet, then bring a box of donuts or their favourite dessert to meetings. As often as possible, help that person break their diet. Register their email to every fattening food spam on the internet. If that person cannot stay on a diet, they’ll likely develop more self-loathing.
  • Place “Annoy-a-trons” in his office. Crazy glue your boss’ handset to the phone, then have someone call his office repeatedly. http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/electronic/8c52/*
  • Crazy glue all the caps to your boss’ pens, paint nail polish on the lead of the pencils
  • Unplug your boss’ keyboard
  • Switch your boss’ coffee with decaf, the following week switch it to espresso, then back again
  • When the V.P. is in town, have a hooker sent to his room & charge it to your boss’ credit card.
  • Have UPS boxes “delivered” to your boss’ office that are empty except for a lot of styrofoam peanuts.
  • Hack into your boss’ computer. Hide all of his icons into a backup folder. Take a screenshot of his desktop & make it the desktop wallpaper. Hide the Windows status bar. Revel in the panic. (Alternatively: create a folder named “Porn” on the desktop. Create fake jpgs with questionable names in the folder. Open it in Explorer. Take a screenshot of the desktop. Make the screenshot the desktop wallpaper. Put icons back, delete the original “porn” folder you created. Erase trash. Now your boss has a permanent open porn folder they can’t close on their desktop!)
  • In the end, nothing says “screw you all” like burning down an entire office building in a fit of crushing resentment! Now this might seem like it borders on actual aggressive aggression, even terrorism, but you’d be surprised how a couple of gas cans & some matches can make you feel better for a couple of hours. As long as there’s no one in the building! Oh, come now, those bastards are insured up the wazoo!

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