Pvt. Pinko's Parade Of Parody


The Truth Behind Brand Slogans

truth

Every company, organization, product or label has a motto, promise or incredible claim that almost always fails to pass muster once you think about it. Our favourites are the clearly hypocritical ones. Or, better yet, the ones that fall under the distinct province of “irony”. Sometimes, your experience proves the direct opposite to the claim or boast made, and you are just one more soul in a vast implacable universe shaking his or her fist bitterly at a billboard while screaming expletives.

So with no further ado, please enjoy this collection!

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The Culprit: Hershey’s Chocolate Candybars
The Slogan: “There’s A Smile In Every Hershey Bar.”
The Truth: And by “a smile”, we mean “mostly wax”

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The Culprit: Whiskas (Cat Food)
The Slogan: “Eight Out Of Ten Cats Prefer It”
The Truth: The other two died during testing

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The Culprit: Tetley’s
The Slogan: “Tetley Make Tea-bags Make Tea”
The Truth: Copy Writer, he English not so good

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The Culprit: Lay’s Potato Chips
The Slogan: “Betcha Can’t Eat Just One”
The Truth: Our claim does not constitute an actual wager

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The Culprit: Del Monte
The Slogan: “The Man From Del Monte, He Says Yes.”
The Truth: To the guero from the CIA when he ask “Do you want us to undermine this South American country & put in place a repressive puppet regime that will create more favourable policies towards your company?”

——-

The Culprit: Triumph Lingerie
The Slogan: “Triumph Has The Bra For The Way You Are”
The Truth: Does not apply to you if you’re an actual women with a real natural body

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The Culprit: Shell Oil
The Slogan: “Go further with Shell”
The Truth: If by “further”, you mean “further” global warming

——-

The Culprit: Esso (Exxon)
The Slogan: “Put A Tiger In Your Tank”
The Truth: More to the point, each tank brings tigers closer to extinction

——-

The Culprit: Xerox
The Slogan: “The Document Company”
The Truth: Oh, we’re documenting what you’re doing, alright…

——-

The Culprit: Nintendo DS
The Slogan: “Touching Is Good”
The Truth: Except when it comes to children.

——-

The Culprit: Pillsbury
The Slogan: “Nothin’ says lovin’ like something from the oven”
The Truth: Nothin’ says you can’t bake for shit like taking Pillsbury out of your freezer

——-

The Culprit: DHL
The Slogan: “We Keep Your Promises”
The Truth: We just don’t bother to keep ours

——–

The Culprit: General Electric
The Slogan: “Imagination At Work”
The Truth: Making cluster bombs & other outrageous weapons that will indiscriminately kill people, violating the Geneva Conventions.

——–

The Culprit: The Salvation Army
The Slogan: “Giving Hope Today”
The Truth: Except if you’re gay

——–

The Culprit: AT&T
The Slogan: “Reach out and touch someone”
The Truth: Just don’t sue us when you get charged for sexual harassment.

——–

The Culprit: Wendy’s
The Slogan: “Where’s the beef?”
The Truth: Where, indeed, is the beef. Think filler. Think bull testicles & earthworm slurry.

——–

The Culprit: United Airlines
The Slogan: “Fly the friendly skies”
The Truth: That is, if you don’t count bird strikes as “unfriendly”

——–

The Culprit: Burger King
The Slogan: “Have It Your Way!”
The Truth: “Your Way” has just been carelessly given to the drive-thru customer now haplessly speeding off, and you’re going to wait 20 more futile minutes for food that isn’t going to come while an underpaid, apathetic teenager stands there yapping away to some boys, oblivious to the fact that you’re there at all. Hey, try ordering those Chicken Fries again. They say third time’s the charm.

——–

The Culprit: American Express
The Slogan: “Don’t leave home without it”
The Truth: Unless you’re in Cuba.

——–

The Culprit: CNN
The Slogan: “Be the first to know”
The Truth: Whatever it is Time-Warner wants us to show you.

——–

The Culprit: Yellow Pages
The Slogan: “Let your fingers do the walking.”
The Truth: Although if you had all your digits cut off in a freak band saw accident, our slogan will seem pretty insensitive.

——–

The Culprit: Aflac
The Slogan: “We’ve Got You Under Our Wing”
The Truth: We’ve got you locked in under contract. Trust us: you’ll pay, we’ll weasel our way out of our obligations. Fun Fact: our duck mascot’s name is Ben. Ben Aflac.

——–

The Culprit: Anheuser-Busch
The Slogan: “The King Of Beers”
The Truth: Sure, we stole the Budweiser name from a European beer, but we have more lawyers and money. Champagne Of Beers? We’re being ironic. To paraphrase Monty Python: Bud is like making love in a canoe…it’s f*cking close to water. It’s also 10% Clydesdale piss. This middle finger’s for you.

——–

The Culprit: Pringles
The Slogan: “Once you pop, you can’t stop”
The Truth: Good thing you have no idea that there’s only 42% potato & mostly rice flour per can. Yum.

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The Culprit: VISA
The Slogan: “It’s everywhere you want to be”
The Truth: Well, okay, not if you want to be inside Kate Winslet’s cleavage

——–

The Culprit: Yahoo!
The Slogan: “Do you…Yahoo!?”
The Truth: Even at Yahoo, we “google” things

——–

The Culprit: Coca-Cola
The Slogan: “It’s The Real Thing, Baby!”
The Truth: If by “thing”, you mean acidic sugar water that will rot your teeth & liver, and contribute greatly to you developing obesity or diabetes, then yeah.

——–

The Culprit: Energizer Batteries
The Slogan: “He Keeps Going And Going And Going…”
The Truth: Do all battery companies try to make their products sound like porn stars on methamphetamine? Well, you can’t be as “classy” as Duracell.

——–

The Culprit: Duracell Batteries
The Slogan: “No Battery Is Stronger, Longer”
The Truth: Nevermind.

——–

The Culprit: KFC (Yum Brands)
The Slogan: “Finger lickin’ good!”
The Truth: And heart cloggin’ bad!

——–

The Culprit: Ikea
The Slogan: “Live Unböring”
The Truth: If we were really Swedish, you’d think we’d know how to use a freaking umlaut properly.

——–

The Culprit: Timex
The Slogan: “Takes a licking and keeps on ticking”
The Truth: Caution – Do not actually lick watch, as it was fabricated in a cheap Chinese factory using toxic compounds & materials.

——–

The Culprit: L’Oreal
The Slogan: “Because you’re worth it”
The Truth: Actually, because your self-esteem is so low, we can get away charging outrageous prices for products that are essentially rendered hamburger grease or whale oil while making a vast fortune hand over fist!

——–

The Culprit: WalMart
The Slogan: “Always Low Prices. Always.”
The Truth: Because we crush our workers & never allow them to have representation, we crush suppliers with our ludicrous demands, we crush the environment with our big box stores, we crush the stocks of other companies trying to keep up, we crush smaller businesses that your community depends on, and we end up crushing your economy because we’ve destroyed your middle class and now your family is all working for us: Junior is in sports, daughter Cindy is a cashier, Mom is stocking the food aisle, Dad is pushing electronics and 94 year old Grandpa is working as a greeter. Happy faces, everyone!

——–

The Culprit: VeriFone
The Slogan: “The Way To Pay”
The Truth: And you’ll pay all the way!

——–

The Culprit: Future Shop
The Slogan: “See What The Future Has In Store”
The Truth: True, our motto would be far more clever if we were named “Future Store”, but there’s no room in the future for clever.

——–

The Culprit: Barclays Bank
The Slogan: “Fluent in finance”
The Truth: Not fluent in ethics, human rights. Apartheid, Mugabe, illicit arms trade–there’s no line we won’t cross!

——–

The Culprit: HSBC
The Slogan: “The World’s Local Bank”
The Truth: At Bank of Hong Kong & Shanghai, we also world’s 2nd worst subprime lending offender. But media leave us alone. Hahaha! If only knew crap we get away with. We would be would be deader than Bruce Lee. We big time villains. We kung fu economy big time! Hahaha!

——–

The Culprit: Johnnie Walker
The Slogan: “Keep Walking”
Truth: Cause after that third DUI, they took away your damn license.

——–

The Culprit: BMW
The Slogan: “The Ultimate Driving Machine”
The Truth: Made by a company that once helped the Nazis become the ultimate killing machine. Building the Luftwaffe air force for Hitler? Hey, that’s ancient history!

——–

The Culprit: Dell Computer
The Slogan: “Easy as Dell”
The Truth: But hard as Hell on the wallet.

——–

The Culprit: FedEx
The Slogan: “When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be There Overnight”
The Truth: Now, it’ll cost you extra if you want it there still in one piece.

——–

The Culprit: John Deere (Deere & Company)
The Slogan: “Nothing Runs Like A Deere”
The Truth: In headlights.

——–

The Culprit: Intel
The Slogan: “Intel inside”
The Truth: PC repairman outside.

——–

The Culprit: Nike
The Slogan: “Just do it!”
The Truth: That’s right. Just buy our crappy, outrageously priced shoes that are made by ethically challenged contractors in league with corrupt, human rights adverse third world countries in guarded work camps using what is essentially slave labour. Just do it!

——–

The Culprit: Apple Computers
The Slogan: “Think different”
The Truth: Because we don’t. We’d be lost without Steve Jobs.

——–

The Culprit: Microsoft
The Slogan: “Where Do You Want To Go Today?”
The Truth: Actually, where you’ll be going is down to IT or to a computer repair store because your pc is more virus ridden after 10 days using Vista than a Bangkok whore after 10 years working Americans sailors.

——–

The Culprit: LG
The Slogan: “Life’s Good”
The Truth: Unless you’re a customer trying find a repair shop that will service our products.

——–

The Culprit: Philips
The Slogan: “Let’s Make Things Better”
The Truth: Of course, this conflicts with our philosophy of “built-in obsolescence”.

——–

The Culprit: Motorola
The Slogan: “Hello, Moto”
The Truth: And this is where you say: “Goodbye, you crappy phone”

——–

The Culprit: Sony Playstation
The Slogan: “Live in your world, play in ours”
The Truth: And if you play in ours, you can forget having a life in your world.

——–

The Culprit: Citibank
The Slogan: “The Citi never sleeps”
The Truth: Why rest, when you can ruin the financial world instead?

——–

The Culprit: Allstate Insurance
The Slogan: “You’re In Good Hands With Allstate”
The Truth: If by “in good hands”, you mean “laughed at by the Claims Adjuster”

——–

The Culprit: American Brands Inc.
The Slogan: “Tabacco Is Our Middle Name”
The Truth: Our nickname is also “Scumbags”

——–

The Culprit: Bonded Tobacco Co.
The Slogan: “Making smoking ‘safe’ for smokers”
The Truth: Yes, quote unquote ‘safe’

——–

The Culprit: Alpo Dog Food
The Slogan: “Doesn’t Your Dog Deserve Alpo?”
The Truth: That is, if you hate your dog

——–

The Culprit: Bank Of America
The Slogan: “Think Of What We Can Do For You”
The Truth: Better yet, think of everything we’ve done TO you by helping take down the health of the entire global financial system

——–

The Culprit: Bayer (Aspirin)
The Slogan: “Bayer Works Wonders”
The Truth: Boy, so did heroin. When we used to make it as a sedative for coughs.

——–

The Culprit: Canon
The Slogan: “You Can”
The Truth: Just go f*ck yourself

——–

The Culprit: British Petroleum (BP)
The Slogan: “Beyond Petroleum”
The Truth: Of course, we’re totally kidding! Oil is where it’s at, bitches! Mess with us & we’ll f*ck you up.

——–

The Culprit: Brut Aftershave
The Slogan: “Splash It All Over”
The Truth: So women know in advance to avoid you

——–

The Culprit: Bird’s Eye Potato Waffles
The Slogan: “They’re Waffly Versatile”
The Truth: Shhh… because afterwards we’re huntin’ wabbits

——–

The Culprit: Benson & Hedges
The Slogan: “Pure Gold”
The Truth: Pure gold plated toilets. Thanks, smokers

——–

The Culprit: Camel
The Slogan: “I’d Walk A Mile For A Camel”
The Truth: Huffin’ & puffin’ all the way

——–

The Culprit: Avis Rental Cars
The Slogan: “We’re Number Two; We Try Harder”
The Truth: We’re crap; we’re trying harder to be even crappier

——–

The Culprit: Adidas
The Slogan: “Impossible is nothing”
The Truth: And nothing is what we promise

——–

The Culprit: Francesco Rinaldi (Bottled pasta sauces)
The Slogan: “Made by Italians. Enjoyed by Everyone.”
The Truth: Not actually

——–

The Culprit: Knorr Sauces
The Slogan: “Put Knorr In, Get More out!”
The Truth: Please, igKnorr the indigestion, taste, and high salt content

——–

The Culprit: Colman’s (World-Famous Mustard Brand)
The Slogan: “C’mon Colman’s, Light My Fire”
The Truth: This is the end… my only friend, the end…

——–

The Culprit: Frank’s RedHot Cayenne Pepper Sauce
The Slogan: “Frank’s RedHot. A thrill a bite.”
The Truth: The red dye we use is a carmine pigment made from Cochineal bugs. What a thrill, huh?!

——-

The Culprit: US Army
The Slogan: “Be All You Can Be”
The Truth: And all you can be is in the Army, because we made sure the underfunded schools spit you out into an economy that has no room for your poor blue collar asses. We have to keep our military-industrial complex humming while manning our hundreds of bases around the world in a projection of American imperialist power and, should you only become injured while out there in the meat shredder that is war, toss you aside like the 1 in 4 homeless in America that are our veterans. Now wave your little flag, shut your mouth & “support the troops”.

——-

The Culprit: Red Bull
The Slogan: “It Gives You Wings”
The Truth: And damages your heart rate. Fun fact: Taurine is derived from ox bile.

——-

The Culprit: Country Life Spreadable Butter
The Slogan: “You’ll never put a better bit of butter on your knife”
The Truth: Well, at least the best bit of 66% real butter there is!

——-

The Culprit: Nokia
The Slogan: “Connecting people”
The Truth: Via windshield when some idiot is on his or her cell & drives into someone else

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The Culprit: The New York Times
The Slogan: “All The News That’s Fit To Print”
The Truth: We used to be the Paper of Record, a towering giant of real journalism, but now we’re shameless whores for the American oligarchy, staffed with plagiarists, ideologues, tabloidists, nincompoops and Judith Miller-type stenographers for the industrial-military complex. The only thing left of real credibility is Paul Krugman. And we’ll probably get rid of him too.

——-

The Culprit: McDonald’s
The Slogan: “I’m Lovin’ It!”
The Truth: Thank goodness, you don’t know what “it” is you’re eating. Enjoy away!


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

oh goodness… this is making me laugh so hard. thank you, and thank you for the sticky spray of Pepsi from my mouth to my keyboard…!!!!! HAHA! i knew there was a reason Red Bull didn’t do anything for me, i am absolutely immune to the bile of oxen. and the bayer…well, i won’t go there right now. 😉

Comment by Laura

can you do one for Bissell? “you never know what’s lurking in your carpet”
i know you can have a field day with that one! LOL

Comment by Laura




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