Pvt. Pinko's Parade Of Parody

You Might Be A Space Redneck If…



…a gas giant on your route now has a ring consisting entirely of cigarette butts & beer cans…all thanks to you


…you let the livestock roam freely around the ship


…your momma calls you up on the holoscreen and tells you “the feud is back on!”


…your mission statement includes the words “boldly goin’ over yonder”


….you order your ship’s crew around with a beer in one hand & point with a cigarette in the other


…your moonshine was actually made on a moon


…you use a lightsaber to light your cigarette


…your ship is outfitted with a BBQ on the side


…your warp core is held together with duct tape


…your spaceship is primer coloured


…there’s a blaster rack mounted in the cockpit


…you’re often forced to yell the following to your ship’s crew: “shut the hell up, daddy’s driving!”


…the number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.


…most of your droids don’t work


…and the one droid that does work has been turned into a beer keg


…your bumper sticker reads “I can’t drive 55 light years”


…and your other bumper sticker reads “i brake for pussy”


…you don’t go down to some primitive planet to anal probe for the scientific data, but because you need to siphon some gas


…none of your spacesuit tops cover your belly


…most of your spacesuits have the sleeves torn off


…you got your spaceship in a game of chance


…you wear cowboy boots with your space suit


…your sick bay was converted to a meth lab


…you’ve entered your ship in a demolition derby


…when your ship lands, people mutter “well, there goes the planet”


…you’ve totalled every ship you’ve ever owned… mostly from drinking


…you’ve taken a space farm combine out for a joyride


…you’ve known the forbidden love of a cosmokow


…people would describe your ship as a “camper with wings”


…your ship’s hatch has a doggie door


…you’ve reinforced the ship’s hull with the salvaged hoods & doors of cars, including a 1972 AMC Gremlin


…your cockpit comes with curtains


…you didn’t think it through before you went and installed an air horn…on a spaceship…


…you’ve lost some crew members sometimes by forgetting where you are & rolling down a window


…your spaceship has an outhouse


…your spaceship IS an outhouse


…you’re wanted in seven systems… for starting bar fights…with Jedis


…your favourite T-shirt is offensive in 2,000 star systems


…your PA system plays country AND western


…you have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your spaceship


…you have to hit the dashboard in your spaceship to get the lights and radio to work


…you got yourself a clone just so it can do the things you hate doing: like talking to the wife


…you’ve once downed your ship merely by lighting a match while “lounging” in the head


…you’re hauling contraband fertilizer


…you’ve uttered the phrase “hey guys, come see this before i flush it out the airlock!”


… you won’t go near a black hole…not because of the dangerous factors inherent due to the laws of astrophysics…but because of racism


…your other spaceship is on blocks, with a tarp over it, and it hasn’t been touched in 8 zyrghons


…you’ve punched a hippie vegan from Alpha Centauri because she said she was sick of space being full of “meat eaters” and it turns out she meant “meteors”


…you’ve used atomic weapons as fireworks


…you’ve ever used a weed eater in your spaceship


…you married your wife in a “double-barrelled blaster” wedding


…you have a tattoo of a 3 breasted hooker from Tantalus V


…your first contact with Earthlings occurs when they find you passed out asleep around their livestock, naked, with an empty keg of cheap Korodium Ale!


…one of the positions in your ship’s crew is “taxidermist”


…you take potshots at sattelites from your cockpit


…you’ve been openly talking about installing a backhoe on the outside of your ship


…your ex-wife has spray painted “die ashole” on your hull


…you pretty much just use the Force to fetch things from the other room, lift your daughters’ dresses up into the air or throw things at the dog


…you belch into the PA system & the crew cheers


…your spaceship has a rag for a fuel cap


…your NavComputer looks remarkably similar to a sonar fish finder


…you’ve tried fitting a sofa into the cockpit


…you’re a member of the Hell’s Angels – Orion’s Belt chapter 


…your commander’s chair is built with a seat from a Datsun


…you’ve tried lighting a Marlboro while attempting jetpack maneuvers in space


…if you’ve ever sat down with your son and said the following: “boy, i done want ya in the family business… like when Darth Vader done want Luke ta follow his lead like…”




All text (c) Copyright 2009 Private Pinko/G. Brogan



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